"It's just weird...I went from being the most popular girl in school to no one knowing my name. I don't like it."
Said Brittany Munro, circa 1996. I was in grade four. And I was an asshole. In a way, all kids are assholes because they are making decisions based almost completely on how they feel. They are not responsible for anyone else, so they are consumed with what is best for them in that moment. So in grade four I had moved schools and went from having three other people in my grade to having thirty. And I wasn't impressed. You would think that I would do anything to be part of the popular kids at that point, and maybe I did, my memory is not awesome. But however it happened, I did not take to popularity past the golden age of 7 when I was being chased around the playground by the cutest boy with the longest rat tail.
I was never satisfied with this situation. In high school there were some tense moments of floating around the edges of the inner circle but never quite finding my way in. Instead of blaming my shortcomings for this I decided it was most likely everyone else's fault, and that I was better than my small town social group.
Many years later I have come to the conclusion that I was insecure and a little bit lonely, just like every other teenager in the world ever. I have nothing against my former classmates and am still friends with a few of them. "What's your point, Brittany?" you are probably thinking to yourself. And to that I say, please refer to the title of this blog. Senseless Ramblings.
But actually I am trying to make some kind of round-about point, and it is this: do we ever leave high school insecurities behind? It's been many years since I've graduated, I've had many life changing experiences and changed my ideas about the person I am and the person I want to be. And yet when I walk in to a pub and happen to know ten or twelve people there, and they all seem happy to see me and I them, I suddenly find myself feeling an ENORMOUS and OVERWHELMING sense of utter awesomeness. And then I start acting like an asshole. Everything I do seems hilarious (to me), everyone I talk to should be happy that I am shining my light of attention on them. Then I black out. And the next morning one of my best friends tells me that he's never wanted to strangle anyone more than he wanted to strangle me last night.
What to do what to do. It seems that being a happier person in general is attracting more people to me. People I enjoy, and want to be friends with. This is a great thing! What is not a great thing is when I let my ego get the better of me and I do things that I regret. If no one ever finds out about my actions, I know what I've been up to. Singing at the top of my lungs in a friend's apartment hallway at 3AM on a Wednesday is silly and may not seem like a big deal. But it is, because I wouldn't want someone to behave that way in my hallway.
As referenced in the Unhappy GYPSY theory (http://www.waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html) I would like to reiterate that our generation has an inflated sense of self, and though I am pursuing higher consciousness and have stopped shaving my legs, I am not an exception. The truth is I am never an exception. I am a human, going through the same challenges as every one else. But what's most important here is that I am responsible for my own actions. No one else's. Just mine. And I can be happy that I have friends, acquaintances I enjoy, and other people who I don't know at all but who I like staring at. And it's my responsibility to behave in a way that is appreciative and respectful of them and of myself, whether I've been drinking water or straight gin. Or gin and water, but that is pretty gross so I don't recommend it. What I do recommend is keeping fit and having fun. And also loving yourself, in a healthy, non-inflated way. I'll let you know my progress on this after Saturday night.
**As a side note, I know I haven't written anything in an incredibly long time and that's my bad. I'm still a couch surfing hobo until Monday, and after that I will once again have some kind of regular writing schedule. Probably. x
