Tonight is the last night of 2016. My last post was over 2 years ago.
Spoiler Alert: Not much has changed.
And yet, everything has changed. I wrote about wanting to get my life together, to leave Never Never Land. On November 28, 2014 I was sitting in my That's Chinatown Baby Apartment (a movie reference I still don't understand because I fell asleep) and I wanted to be different, but I didn't know how.
The year that followed was messy and elaborate, fraught with drama, hi highs and low lows. I experienced joy, rejection, polyamory, depression, drug use, love, freedom, accomplishment, shame, confusion (not necessarily in that order). By December 2015 I was crying every day, had been fired and was thus unemployed, generally unable to get out of bed, listening to sad songs over and over and over again. I was numb. I was lost.
I vowed to be Less Of A Mess. Not perfect, but not such a disaster.
The first step was giving up hard drugs (to me that means anything other than weed) for one year, and seeing what happened. The next step was to force myself to exercise, I chose hot yoga because it's a solo activity that you do with other people. Also I like to be warm. Next was finding a therapist. Next was finding a job. And so on.
As I reflect on 2016 I can see it has been a pretty crap year for most of humanity and the world in general. But for me, and my inner world, it has been an essential year of pain, reflection and growth. I had a good upbringing, I had parents who loved me, I wanted for nothing. I'm intelligent, creative and expressive. I am a 29 year old, middle class, caucasian woman living in Canada. Despite these facts, there were many mornings when I wished I hadn't woken up.
These days when I wake sometimes I feel happy, sometimes I feel overwhelmed, sometimes I feel nothing. But I have learned to take the time to reflect on how I am feeling in that moment and breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Accept where I am. Make a conscious decision to have a positive experience today. It's not always easy, but when I look back on where I was one year ago today I can say for certain that it does get easier.
I want to share my story. Maybe for selfish reasons, as I admittedly love attention. But perhaps it's so that I myself can understand what happened, how I got to this place, who I really am, and what can happen now. And through that understanding maybe someone else will read this, maybe it's you, and know that they are not alone. That life is hard. Every experience is unique and unforgiving, but it is experience that shapes us and leads us to new opportunities.
At some point in 2017 I'll be launching a new blog where I will be transcribing chronologically my diary entries from 1999 up to the present and will also respond to my past self with my present perspective. If you are interested in this story, please come along. But know that it will change how you look at me, if you know me personally. Admitting the truth of things can be a double edged sword, it hurts you to tell it, and others get hurt in the telling. But what is life without a connection to one another? What does it mean to have a singular experience, while being enmeshed in a collective reality? How can one person feel like many different people throughout their life?
I hope we can find out.
