In The No

I've rediscovered the joys of saying 'no'. I think it's a service industry thing, because I have vague recollections of this feeling from when I worked in a nightclub, back in the day (am I old enough to say that yet? Meh, just go with it.) Years and years of dull office drudgery and polite submission have worn me down, programmed me to say 'yes'. Yes I can do that, yes I can figure it out, yes I will keep track of how much water you drink on a daily basis [while I fantasize about poisoning your coffee]. But since I've been working at the pub, I've woken up from my haze of yes and have started saying no. Granted, it is a customer service job, and I do honestly want people to have a positive experience. But when it's the busiest night of the year and some fool is asking you for six cocktails that I don't know how to make, and we're not actually supposed to make them anyway, it's incredibly liberating to just say 'Nope!' and serve someone else. I'm still a little rusty, and unfortunately will respond to people whistling or waving money around. However, since it's abundantly clear that tipping is not part of the Australian culture, I'm learning to ignore them and just go with my instincts. Like the quiet man at the end of the bar who's been waiting patiently for ten minutes. Overall what I'm (re)learning is that industry jobs are about smiling and acting polite and apologetic when things don't go the patron's way, but ultimately not actually caring at all.

I am slightly concerned that I will never care about anything again. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's just the over-dramatic teenager inside me, who will literally worry about anything. If I'm being honest I have to say that I feel more comfortable with myself than I have in, well, possibly ever. I sent a [completely unflattering and also hilarious] photo of myself to a friend in Canada and he asked me "who is this person you are becoming?" The response I gave him was the truth; someone who doesn't apologize.

I've spent so much of my life apologizing for things that aren't necessarily my fault. Some things, yes, I was an idiot and it was completely my bad (ex. spending money foolishly, being snobby in high school, getting married). Other things, such as being tall and thin, not so much. So I'm working on realizing the things I should say sorry for, and things I should not. Dressing like a dyke and getting drunk and making obscene gestures in photos, well, that's what I feel like doing right now and if that isn't your cup of tea I'm not sorry.

On the other hand, I don't want to lose my sensitive side, which may be a legitimate fear. I'm terrified of getting close to someone emotionally, since I've gotten used to flying solo. But these walls make it harder to empathize with people. How do I stand up for myself without turning into an asshole? How do I keep my heart soft without becoming a door mat? These are the questions that circle my mind, which I have to say are much more valid and interesting questions than "why isn't he calling me back?" So even though I'm a work in progress, I think I've still been making progress.

A girl I work with told me that she has recently become a rather avid reader of my nonsense, which surprised me. Partly because she and I don't know each other very well, and partly because I'm always surprised when actual people look at me and say "I read your blog". Sure I have a page counter, so I have a vague idea (though I don't trust the internet), but it's still a small shock to know people are actually taking time out of their day to invite my thoughts into their heads. It's interesting because I'm not really that interesting. Let's be real, I'm not the most clever or wise person with a blog, not by a long shot. But I think the people who read this are people who are somewhat like me. People who are confused about life in general and wonder why it seems to be so easy for other people...people who graduate, go to school, get a job, get a partner, buy a house, and so on. I've always been interested in people who seem to go the alternative route, because I suppose I'm one of those alternative people. And it's time I stopped trying to pretend that I'm not.

So no, I don't care about corporate culture. No, I don't mind eating leftover wedges from a stranger's plate. No, I'm not a lesbian but I'm attracted to people, not genders. No, I don't think 25 is too old to still be figuring my life out. I hope I never figure it all out, as I think that would be incredibly boring.