After a hard farewell to Perth I found myself ready and willing to be thrown into Sydney. High times at Arq (nightclub) until 5 in the morning, which was an absolute delight. And as I sat on the floor in Denton's office, unable to sleep, listening to the sounds of two boys in a bathtub and watching the sun come up over the city I thought "is this really what I want right now?"
A few days later I met my old beau, Paul, at the airport. We had arranged this visit a few weeks prior and I was excited to see him, make amends for past hurts, and do the tourist thing around Sydney. It was extremely nice to spend time with him, and I'm happy to report we did not get run down by a ferry while kayaking in the harbour one day. The time came for him to leave, which was a very sad day indeed. But I knew it was time to get back to the travellers life.
And by that I mean it was time to lay around in bed watching Netflix. Denton was helpful with whatever I needed, including motivating me with slaps to get out of bed, but I wasn't sure exactly what it was that I needed. A job, a place to live, etc. But as I combed through adds on gum tree I didn't have that feeling of excited anticipation...and when I realized that the tax refund I had been counting on wasn't coming through after all, I had a definite feeling of panic and anger. At myself. And a little bit at the government.
What now? I promised myself that I wouldn't ask my parents for money, no matter what! Yet here I was, once again at the mercy of someone else. I talked to my father and he was immediately comforting and supportive. I asked him what I should do - stay here and continue on for another six months, or go home and start sorting my life out. The cost would be about the same. He wisely said that he couldn't make that decision for me, I would have to figure it out on my own.
I thought about it a lot, but I knew what the answer was. A few months ago I had planned on going home about this time, to get myself organized to go to school in the fall of 2014. I changed my mind because I thought that would be giving up on Australia too soon, which is when I decided to go to Sydney. And yet, here I was. I could stay in Aus and find a job and make new friends and have an amazing time...or I could go home and find a job and make new friends and have an amazing time. The difference was I wouldn't have to leave Canada in six months, I could stay there forever. With free healthcare! Also to be perfectly honest, I'm tired of looking at my friends who are about the same age as me and wondering why they have things so figured out, while I still feel like I'm 21 and struggling to make ends meet most of the time.
It may not be the most adventurous choice, but it's the most responsible one. And at 25 and a half years old I think perhaps it's time I started being responsible. I came to Australia to find a home, to find myself, and to run away from things I didn't want to deal with anymore. I certainly did find a home, and I found the confidence in myself that I've been lacking for so long. I feel ready to face those uncomfortable truths; exes I never really dealt with, my family issues, the fact that putting down roots of any kind is terrifying to me. Leaving everything behind, taking a breather and doing whatever I wanted was probably the best thing I could have done. It made me realize how important it is to be yourself no matter where you are, and I expect it will be a challenge to be the person I have embraced here when I'm back in familiar territory. But it's a challenge I'm excited for. And after all, I will have to come back to Australia some day. It is simply too amazing to stay away.
No comments:
Post a Comment