We Used To Wait

Sex is a complicated issue for many of us these days. When do you do it? How long should you wait? Will he lose interest if you wait too long? Will he think you're a slut for not waiting long enough? Will you even like him afterwards or will you just make up an excuse about having to work your office job on a Sunday, then awkwardly run into him at the beach after promising to call him but you never do? It goes on and on. I remember when the song 'What's Love Got To Do With It' became popular when I was in high school. My Christian teen self was horrified at the thought that you would have sex with someone for no real reason, other than to have fun. Love has everything to do with it!!! I thought. And then you grow up, and you have sex, and you realize that really it can be whatever you want it to be. 

One of my best friends waited until she was married. One of my other best friends has been having casual sexual encounters since he was 17. I went from a dedicated virgin with a purity ring, to a secret sinner, to a married and divorced woman all by the time I was 20. And after the divorce I was left single and church-less, free to navigate the deep and tumultuous waters of my sexuality in a child size raft. After a couple years of trial and error, relationships and flings, lovers and one night stands, I had come to the conclusion that I was just done for a while. Done with love, done with sex, even done with flirting. What is the point of it all anyway? 

And then I met him (to sound completely and utterly dramatic). We did not have carnal relations the first night...or the second...or the third. In fact it has been a month since we met, which seems like a minute as well as a year. And still no P in V. We decided to wait (frankly it was his idea), to have a period of time called courtship, a word I haven't heard in a long while. The very notion of this strikes up a blaze of suspicions and questions...does he have a disease? Regrettably small equipment? Is he dating someone else? Is he a sociopathic murderer? I suppose only time will tell. 

The thing is...we used to wait. I think that as a generation and culture we have become incredibly impatient. 50 years ago it was common, respectable and expected for a couple to wait until they were extremely serious, if not married to consummate their relationship. Even 10 years ago I was preparing myself to wait an indefinite amount of time for 'the one'. And today here we are, wondering what on earth could possibly motivate someone to NOT have sex. I don't have many regrets in my sexual history, one or two perhaps, and I count myself very lucky for that. But honestly I'm still not sure about this new/old approach to it. I'm as nervous to let him into my body as I am to let him into my heart, and the two have become inexplicably linked. After years of sex now, feelings later (maybe), it's pretty challenging to reverse it in my brain. As much as sex is a place of vulnerability and a sacred union between people, it has also become a shield for us to hide behind. 'It's just sex' 'there was no feelings, just sex' 'what's love got to do with it anyway?' And that can be a fun, hilarious and thrilling place. But it can also be very empty and lonely. I now strive to find what's right for me, and to not compromise myself for anyone. Most often finding what's right takes some time, which takes patience, which takes understanding. It can be lonely, and confusing. One may get blackout wasted and throw yourself at various coworkers/strangers/exes, to no avail. But I have come to believe that how you feel about sex and relationships is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. Or, in the words of Ru Paul, 'if you don't love yourself how the hell you gonna love someone else?' Take time, buy a vibrator, figure it out for yourself.

I'm not sure what will happen with my waiting game. Maybe it will be awful, and then we will be awkward around each other and never talk again. Maybe it will be like stars exploding with rainbows and unicorns and we won't ever want to be away from each other's side. Or maybe it will be a unique, enjoyable bond built on mutual affection and trust. As much as we, as a culture, generation and society, try to downplay the significance of sex, it is a big deal. If it's your first, your fifth, or your ninety-ninth, it is meaningful in some way, and denying that fact is denying your connection to your own sexuality. I am extremely excited and absolutely terrified to find out what happens next.