It Came In The Night

I've been tossing and turning the past few nights, unable to fall asleep. My long-time friend and compatriot, marijuana, has not been helpful, and I can't help feeling a bit betrayed. The blissful doze I usually enjoy has been a nightmare of twitchy leg, heart palpations and anxious half-imaginings of my future. In my mind I watch as my life unfolds for ten, twenty years in various directions, depending on which decisions I make Right Now. Suffice it to say, I'm freaking out. 

But why? I'm almost 27 years old, a fact I've been dropping a lot lately, trying it on like uncomfortable but necessary lingerie. And I have essentially zero responsibilities. I have a full time job that isn't stressful. I have no mortgage, no kids, no debt (except to my father), no pets, no ex-boyfriend drama, and very little hair on my head to give me bad hair days. If I had my way, I would go on hitting my one hitter and making the minimum amount of effort until I wake up one day, old and magically wealthy, watering my plants and baking for local neighbourhood something or other. Sadly, this is not realistic in any possible way. 

Real life is messy and difficult and exciting and - hopefully - somewhat rewarding. After Australia I promised myself a year off to 're-adjust', 're-focus' and generally get my shit together. Well that year is up and it's time for me to stop masturbating to erotic literature and doing my nails (which are, necessarily, separate activities) and actually do something productive with myself. And this blog is the gateway to that, according to my prophetic visions. After re-reading my last post, which I now find endearing and somewhat questionable, I was reminded of how open I was just a few short months ago. And now that I'm writing this I'm finding it's easy, as it always is, to write how I'm feeling. I've come to understand that not all people have the same flair for self expression that I do, and I should take advantage of having a 'natural skill' at something. Even if that skill developed from being an extremely self-absorbed [self-aware??] child, teen, and young adult. I am now in my mid-twenties (which technically still makes me a young adult but just go with it) and it's time to express myself and challenge myself and maybe I'll finally have the courage to leave Never Never Land, and grow up. 

Or at least pretend to.