A Mixed Bag

Saying goodbye. Coming home. Packing up. Christmas. It's been a strange month, by turns I've felt giddily happy, sobbing with sadness, void of emotion, and so on...not to sound melodramatic (I mean to sound melodramatic). I know I'm not the first person to ever leave their home country. We live in the easiest age of world travel, it would be only a few (hundred) dollars for me to fly back across the ocean if I decided to.

But that's not the issue. I grew up in a small farm, beside a small town, went to a small school, with whom I once considered to be small-minded people. I feel no sense of "home" when I am back here, especially since my parents split up a few years ago and the familair smells and tastes and traditions of home no longer apply. It could be much worse; I'm not trying to complain. It's just that I feel very disconnected to this place, where I spent the first 17 years of my life.

Looking back at my old wedding pictures that still hang out in boxes upstairs, it is reinforced to me how much I have changed. Even from my years in Winnipeg I feel like a totally different person. I was there a few days ago and felt only a vague sense of recollection for the places I used to frequent. I doubt I would rememember how to get from one side of the city to the other.

I know I will feel this way about Calgary someday. I moved there for someone, and I have no regrets. In nearly four years there I had more of a familiarity with the city than a real bond. Calgary and I had an understanding of sorts, we didn't get too involved with one another. A health card is one thing, but a property is quite another. I had no desire to settle there.

What I miss from all these places is not the restaurants, the scenery, the places I've lived. I miss the people. The moments I hope to never forget...
Cam and I sneaking off during spare to his grandparent's house to eat grilled cheese and cookies. Denton and I playing the piano, singing and dancing like mad fools in the band room during lunch break.
Matt throwing up that first Halloween before we had even gotten in to the bar.
Jumping out of the truck as soon as Dad put it into park, running up to Justin and throwing myself into his arms, certain that we would be happy together.
Meeting this girl Rachel with wide blue eyes and a beautiful genuine smile, who turned out to be one of my very closest friends.
Billie-Jean and I, so drunk we could barely stand, promising to be sisters.
Closing the door and walking away, feeling my heart breaking.
The fear that shivered down my spine, shocking me to the core as I realized he could hurt me beyond repair. Reclaiming my sense of self, my confidence and my safety, albeit many months later.
The feeling of acceptance and home of 21JS, with these people who understood me even though we grew up thousands of miles away from each other.
Dancing and falling and laughing and smiling until my face hurt; that crazy pinwheel feeling where I know I'm out of control.
Paul looking at me in earnest and sharing his heart.
Smoking shisha with Kiran, finding common ground in our life experiences, in being women.
Listening to Stacy and Kayla giggling in the living room. "What a wonderful sound to come home to."
Crying on the floor and telling Amber the things I had managed to avoid saying for almost 8 months, which didn't drive us apart but instead drew us closer together.
Dominos and cider and dancing and laying on Bobby's rug, purely enjoying the present.
Looking out across the mountain peaks, thankful that I hadn't died on the way up, and seeing two bald eagles straight across from me, then gliding and circling higher and higher. Knowing that I am connected to everything, and that life is a gift.

Some of these memories are bittersweet. But they are important. They are things that have happened that have led me to where I am now. I'm not looking for an adventure so much; the way I see it my entire life as young adult has been an advenutre. I'm looking for a place to rest. To feel safe. To be free. I don't know what will happen, I've tried not to give myself any deadlines or barriers. I'm excited. Terrified. Grateful. Sad. It will be hard to say goodbye to my father, who has been with me through everything. But I can't wait to step off that plane, in a different place, in a different time, with people I love immensely and so many new things to discover about myself.

The Evolution of Frittany: A Retrospective In Ridiculousness

2009: The first night Rachel and I ever went out partying. So classy.

My 21st Birthday! And also when the Bad Romance video came out. Check out my claw. 

Justin and I at the Coldplay concert, being mocked

My brother comes out to visit me in the West

A Very Happy Easter

Billie Jean and I getting ready for a night at "work"

High Times @ The Alley with JT

A night out on the town with peace signs and duck lips. Dancing till we were sweaty messes.

Dave & I enroute to Roadhouse. I had spent most of the evening crying and was ready to dance.

Getting ready in Banff with Lizzer.
Only a few people can truly understand that night.

Getting ready for Stampede/making an idiot of myself

Alex & I at the Jager tent Stampede 2010

Typical.

My 2nd year in Demonika, Addiction Personified

My Aussie Princesses! Even though they abandoned me that night,
we were destined to be great friends.

Our love of Justin Bieber only brings us closer together

At a jungle-themed club night. Random dude
switched tops with me for an hour or so.

The night I dressed as Canada, punched someone
in the face.

 Sneaky Cider Picnic. We are so in love.

The Y Chromosomes of our 2011 Summertime crew.
About to bust a groove at the Art Vs. Science show.

Magical Tofino

Matt comes to visit, my jaw appears to be broken.

NYE 2012 in Vegas. Jaw still broken.

Kels & I get fake married at our hotel chapel.

After over 2 years of living beside mountains, I finally decide
to explore them. On snowshoes.

Arielle & I, enjoying being young and beautiful.

Stacy & I atop Heart Mountain.

My idea of mountain-climbing gear always includes shorts
of some kind.

Rachel's 24th Birthday!

Tubby Dog, the most obvious choice for a wedding diet.
Dana's wedding. Not mine.

Me, Kayla, Stacy & Amber
The most fantastic roomies in the land!

Cam comes to visit. I think I am a cat.

Bruce takes me to my first Pride Parade.
Everyone was so beautiful!

Paul & I, Bali beachtimes.

K-Dawg as Cleopatra, me as an old man.

Bobby & I tranny it up for Halloween.

Love this picture of my brother & I;
I'm slowly assimilating him into my world of nonsense.

The Crankiest Birthday

Usually when it is my birthday, I'm beyond excited. A whole day just for me! Forget whoever else was born that day, it's really just about me. Example: my usual tradition of wearing a tiara out and about on my celebration night. I go out to a bar, dolled up in the sparkliest dress I own (well, one of them), my outfit is completed with a faux diamond & pearl tiara. Throughout the night, as my grasp on reality slips,  people randomly start asking me if it's my birthday, and I'm genuinely surprised. How do they know?! Then I remember there's metal combs jabbing into my head, impeding me from hair whipping while advertising my Princess-status.

Last year I did something new, though. I gave my beautiful birthday tiara away. The "lucky" recipient was a tiny Asian girl, who happened to be celebrating her 19th birthday that night. There was much hugging and me saying things like "I remember my 19th birthday!!!" (though I don't really, because that was around the time I was pretending to be a wife and I've blocked a lot of that from my memory).

This year, I did not wear a tiara. I thought, 'Brittany. You're 25 now. You've passed on the tiara-torch.  Get it together.' So instead I wore a magical fish dress and launched myself into a giant Christmas tree downtown. Because that's infinitely more mature than wearing head-jewelry...

Anyway, that was the birthday party. Let me also say that I only cried once that night; hurrah! My actual birthday-day was a different story. I was tired, cranky, short-tempered and irritable (which is the same thing as cranky, I just like adjectives, ok?). I still don't know if it's the fact that I am older and am secretly depressed about it, or just that I am a sleep deprived ball of emotion lately.

I feel that 23 to 27 is basically all the same. You can get away with a lot in that time period, because you're young enough to be an idiot, but old enough to not be a complete and total idiot. Around 28 is when the mommy brain starts waking up and shit probably gets really complicated, but I don't want to think about that right now because babies are gross. So essentially, I'm not too fussed about turning 25 because not much is changing.

Oh, right, except that I'm saying good bye to all my friends here and packing up my personal effects so I can leave the country in 13 days, 1 hour, 13 minutes and 33...32...31 seconds. Not that I'm counting.

Saying goodbye is really a drag. For once in my life I wish I was crazy spontaneous and could just make a snap decision; getting everything done and leaving within 2 or 3 weeks. But this whole year-of-planning thing is really taking a toll. I feel like I've been PMSing for weeks; all my emotions are on over-drive and I can't stop eating. Or crying. Or being a sucky baby.

I guess I should be happy that I am so upset (< female logic). But really, if I was completely and totally happy to be leaving here, it would mean I have created a boring, impersonal life over the past 3.5 years. Which I am happy to say is not the case at all. There are people and memories here that I will treasure until I get old and Alzheimer's sets in. le sigh Anyhoo, I'm working on a picture-blog time-line-post that I'm sure only I will truly appreciate, but a picture is worth a thousand words, and frankly I'm tired of rambling about being an emotional wreck. Bring on the sunshine and lesbian hair cut already!!

Side Note: Even though I was a cranky bridge troll, I still had a fantastic birthday! I just wanted to seem dramatic. Weird, I know.

Friday Hi-5

Words!!! Words and punctuation! Pictures:

If you haven't noticed by now...there's going to be a lot of Australia-themed pictures popping up here...

Happy Weekend!

Nerves

I know - I have been bad. Not writing anything all week, just after I promised this blog would get more exciting.

The truth is, I feel drained. Now that the kangaroo's out of the bag, and I celebrated last Friday by letting Frittany out of the cage (things got messy, my 21 year old brother sent me home early, bless him), the excitement of having a secret plan is gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm still excited! I talk to my Aussie counterparts every day, and when I think about finally seeing them again (it's been over 2 years since Denton and I had our last reunion) it makes me so giddy I can barely sit still!

But the sadness of leaving my life here is starting to set in. I've been thinking about what I can (what I should) write about, the memories of my time here that stand out the most in my mind. Expect something fairly poignant and ridiculous next week.

I feel like I'm caught up in a current; I was relaxing in a bathtub, and then when I decided to pull the plug I shrunk down to Polly Pocket size and am slowly but surely getting sucked down the drain. That's a fairly poor metaphor, as I don't look at travelling to an amazing country as a drain. It's just that I feel a bit powerless. I've been counting down the days, willing time to pass faster, for so long. Now that I'm down to the wire I'm wishing time would slow down. I have things to do! I need to spend time with friends, to gaze around at the city, to walk in the snowy mountains.

I'm also catching myself being tempted to ignore those I care about. When I moved away from Winnipeg, I just stopped socializing with most people, sitting around my lonely apartment until it was moving day. I've never been good with goodbyes. I know I've been trying to distance myself from those I will miss the most, so that my leaving becomes a gradual fade out instead of an abrupt absence. But that's not the way I want to do this. I want to be open to every experience and say what needs to be said and make as many memories as is humanly possible in 13 days. (AH! 13 days! Just had a tiny heart attack!)

So I will think these thoughts as I approach the weekend. Tonight - performing a 5 min piece for a friend's fundraiser event. I did one of these shindigs last spring, and as you hard-core stalkers may recall, I was quite nervous about it. I didn't even want to say anything beforehand in case I was a failure, and I could pretend it had never happened! I feel so very different than I did even a few months ago. Comfortable and confident in my own skin, for one thing. So I think tonight is going to be great fun! Plus my brother will be joining me, which I love! I didn't realize how nice it is having family close by until he moved here a few months ago.

Then Saturday is my birthday/going away party and I am much less excited this year than I have been in previous years. Probably because I know I'm going to start weeping as soon as I have a few glasses of wine. Well, bring on the waterproof mascara! I am so fortunate to have experienced so much in 25 years. I can't remember who said/wrote this but it's one of my favorites:
"So wide a sweep, so narrow an experience. To have lived. To have been alive."