A Mixed Bag

Saying goodbye. Coming home. Packing up. Christmas. It's been a strange month, by turns I've felt giddily happy, sobbing with sadness, void of emotion, and so on...not to sound melodramatic (I mean to sound melodramatic). I know I'm not the first person to ever leave their home country. We live in the easiest age of world travel, it would be only a few (hundred) dollars for me to fly back across the ocean if I decided to.

But that's not the issue. I grew up in a small farm, beside a small town, went to a small school, with whom I once considered to be small-minded people. I feel no sense of "home" when I am back here, especially since my parents split up a few years ago and the familair smells and tastes and traditions of home no longer apply. It could be much worse; I'm not trying to complain. It's just that I feel very disconnected to this place, where I spent the first 17 years of my life.

Looking back at my old wedding pictures that still hang out in boxes upstairs, it is reinforced to me how much I have changed. Even from my years in Winnipeg I feel like a totally different person. I was there a few days ago and felt only a vague sense of recollection for the places I used to frequent. I doubt I would rememember how to get from one side of the city to the other.

I know I will feel this way about Calgary someday. I moved there for someone, and I have no regrets. In nearly four years there I had more of a familiarity with the city than a real bond. Calgary and I had an understanding of sorts, we didn't get too involved with one another. A health card is one thing, but a property is quite another. I had no desire to settle there.

What I miss from all these places is not the restaurants, the scenery, the places I've lived. I miss the people. The moments I hope to never forget...
Cam and I sneaking off during spare to his grandparent's house to eat grilled cheese and cookies. Denton and I playing the piano, singing and dancing like mad fools in the band room during lunch break.
Matt throwing up that first Halloween before we had even gotten in to the bar.
Jumping out of the truck as soon as Dad put it into park, running up to Justin and throwing myself into his arms, certain that we would be happy together.
Meeting this girl Rachel with wide blue eyes and a beautiful genuine smile, who turned out to be one of my very closest friends.
Billie-Jean and I, so drunk we could barely stand, promising to be sisters.
Closing the door and walking away, feeling my heart breaking.
The fear that shivered down my spine, shocking me to the core as I realized he could hurt me beyond repair. Reclaiming my sense of self, my confidence and my safety, albeit many months later.
The feeling of acceptance and home of 21JS, with these people who understood me even though we grew up thousands of miles away from each other.
Dancing and falling and laughing and smiling until my face hurt; that crazy pinwheel feeling where I know I'm out of control.
Paul looking at me in earnest and sharing his heart.
Smoking shisha with Kiran, finding common ground in our life experiences, in being women.
Listening to Stacy and Kayla giggling in the living room. "What a wonderful sound to come home to."
Crying on the floor and telling Amber the things I had managed to avoid saying for almost 8 months, which didn't drive us apart but instead drew us closer together.
Dominos and cider and dancing and laying on Bobby's rug, purely enjoying the present.
Looking out across the mountain peaks, thankful that I hadn't died on the way up, and seeing two bald eagles straight across from me, then gliding and circling higher and higher. Knowing that I am connected to everything, and that life is a gift.

Some of these memories are bittersweet. But they are important. They are things that have happened that have led me to where I am now. I'm not looking for an adventure so much; the way I see it my entire life as young adult has been an advenutre. I'm looking for a place to rest. To feel safe. To be free. I don't know what will happen, I've tried not to give myself any deadlines or barriers. I'm excited. Terrified. Grateful. Sad. It will be hard to say goodbye to my father, who has been with me through everything. But I can't wait to step off that plane, in a different place, in a different time, with people I love immensely and so many new things to discover about myself.