I realize I haven't posted anything in a while, and I just want you to know, it's not me. It's you.
Just kidding, obviously it's me. I've been homesick/PMSing for what seems like a month but has actually only been about a week and a half. So instead of disjointed, sangry (sad + angry) ramblings I've just held off. You're welcome. (I do care about you. Honestly.)
Aside from making some Important Decisions About My Future I haven't really been up to much. I somewhat foolishly quit a temp job in the beginning-middle of the assignment, leaving me to lay on the couch and contemplate my life and nail polish for a bit longer than I would have liked. I probably was too hasty in abandoning the assignment after only two days, but I did get a weird sense of satisfaction in knowing that I stood up for myself in a situation I was miserable in. Being an administrator, especially a temporary one, is usually a pretty crap gig. You take a certain amount of abuse or being ignored or people not saying 'thank you' when you say 'bless you' as part of the job. And when a manager who probably doesn't know your name walks by and asks how it's going, you lie and smile and say great! Because you're only a temp. And no one actually cares. But every once in a while there is an assignment that actually makes you think about how feasible it would be to use the extremely dull letter opener to slit your wrists and you have to just say Enough is Enough! I may have done permanent damage to my temporary employer relationship, but it felt damn good!
Standing up for myself has sometimes been a struggle for me, in ways that are probably surprising to some people who know me. I don't really care about acceptance or popularity with my peers. I'm weird and I'm honest and if you can't deal with that I'm not too bothered. I've found that as I get older I attract friends with personalities similar to mine, so there usually isn't much drama in that area. But with jobs, as with men, it's usually a different story. A few weekends ago I was out with the old [new] gang and a friend said to me "you're good at being single! Teach me how to be single!" I replied with "I'm sorry what? How drunk are you right now?" I guess coming to another country to have solo adventures says something about a person...and I've never really pictured myself as that person.
It's taken me quite a long time to de-prioritize men from my life, and let's be real, it's still a work in progress. The general lack of attention (unless I'm full of gin and covered in paint) that Aussie boys have provided me with has made me realize yet again how much I care about how much I am wanted. It's the reason I went back to unsatisfying relationships or pursued people I knew weren't right for me. For someone who has enough confidence to pull off purple velvet pants, I sure have trouble with my heart. I don't want to turn into an ice-queen-man-eater (again) but I just can't devote the amount of headspace to romantic pursuits that I have previously.
Balancing strength and vulnerability has been my main goal in coming here, and my startling (ie. blatantly obvious) revelations in the romance department can really be applied to a few other areas as well. With work, I am learning to stand up for my interests instead of always going the polite doormat route. With family, I am realizing just how much I love and miss them, even though I've been living away from home for over 7 years. I have to admit that growing up, I pitied my peers who had strained home lives, and often congratulated myself on having such a great family. When I got older and my perfect family fell apart, I guess I decided that I didn't really need them that much. I could be independent and that was that. I've chalked it up to distance for a long time, but I am seeing now that I've purposely put a wedge between me and my family. I haven't wanted to admit how much I need them, or how much I miss them.
Something I've been working on lately is really accepting myself as I am. It's very difficult at times because I don't even know certain things about myself. But by giving myself a break - having self compassion is how I saw it phrased the other day - it's happening. While I may seem like a strong, single, confident woman...anyone who reads this blog knows the truth. I'm fairly lost, I'm a bit insecure, I'm a little lonely. But I'm ok. And if I do somehow fool anyone into thinking I'm otherwise, well I think that's a good sign that some day I actually will be.
No comments:
Post a Comment