A Stranger Conversation

I was a shy child. Even as a teenager and young adult I didn't like talking to people unless I had to. I would walk briskly down the street, with a sour look on my face to discourage anyone from striking up a conversation. I dreaded spending time in public with my mother, as she would inevitably find something to talk about with whoever happened to be around, and I found this embarrassing.

It's interesting for me to realize that this is no longer the case. I enjoy talking to other people, and I try daily to keep myself open to conversations. You never know who you will end up meeting or how you can affect each other. I kept this thought in mind as I was approached by a man in the park a few days ago. I had been there for a few hours, napping and reading. He came up to me and struck up a conversation, about the books we were both reading (I'm currently 1/4 through 'Anatomy of the Spirit' by Caroline Myss, Ph.D.). Instead of politely telling him to go away, or leaving myself, I thought 'well this is an opportunity to get out of my comfort zone. Let's see what happens.' For the next two hours or so, I heard all about his life story, his family, his careers, his ex girlfriends, and his struggle with drugs and realizing his spiritual potential. He was clearly high, and admitted to it at several points. I was a wary, but also curious. I know that when people are high they are unpredictable, so it was important for me to stay calm, and to be alert. I always had my phone handy, and there were always other people close by.

This experience taught me that you can literally connect with anyone, any time, any place. You just have to take the time to listen, to be available. That being said, should you connect with anyone who comes along? I don't know how else to explain it, but this man transferred his troubled energy to me, and for the rest of the day I felt extremely unsettled. He hadn't followed me home, he didn't even know my last name, he didn't share any earth-shattering revelations with me, and yet I was profoundly affected. I assume that this is because I opened myself up on a higher level of consciousness, beyond the interaction you usually have with a stranger to the interaction you would have with a friend. And because of this, I received fragments of his stress, his sadness, his energy. That night I was exhausted, and the next day I spent some quiet time focusing on peace, balance and love.

This experience lines up so completely with what I've been thinking and learning about lately, which is basically the concept that thoughts and emotions can directly affect our physical bodies and our perception of the world around us. For so long I was not interested in feeling and embracing my emotions, because I have had painful experiences in the past (hasn't everyone?) and I thought that life would be easier if I was shut off from other people. I am realizing now how much this goes against everything that makes me a woman, everything that makes me a human. We were meant to feel, to connect, to share our experiences and emotions with other people. Not just a few select people who we have come to know after years and years, but sometimes people we have only just met.

However, not everyone we meet will be a positive connection. Some people are not in control of themselves and will give you a bad feeling; do you notice how one impatient, grumbling person in a line can make the people around them impatient? Suddenly everyone has better things to do than wait in line, even though there will always be times in our lives where we must wait. Others are so much in control that they will seek to control you through every interaction you have, such as a bully in the school yard, or a micro-managing boss.

To use an old saying, I must guard my heart. I will often get an immediate feeling about people I meet, trust or caution, like or dislike. I've told myself to lighten up, not to judge people before I know them. Yet almost every time (if not every time) my very first impressions have proven to be true. I'm not saying I will ignore people, or be unkind to people. But I am learning to be much more cautious of who I open up to. If you spend all your time around young families with children, you will want a family and kids. If you spend all your time around people motivated by material success, you will want material success. And so on. I do not strive to be an elitist of any kind, but I am making an effort to be selective, because the people I surround myself with will influence my reality.

This is a time in my life where I am very aware of my social and spiritual environment. I know that things I talk about now will make some people shake their heads. I know that I will interact with people that I used to know and they will wonder what happened to me. The best way I can explain it is that I am seeing things in a different way, in a way that tells me everything is connected. My environment affects my emotions, which affects my body, which affects my actions, which affects my environment. It is therefore up to me to make sure that I am consciously participating in my life, that I am choosing to think positive, loving thoughts, while making sustainable choices and creating healthy connections and relationships. And as I learn about these things, the most surprising thing to me is that I haven't realized them before. And now that I know, I must act.      

Peter Pan Brain

I close my eyes and imagine you, the feel of your skin, the smell of your hair. How it feels to sit with you, to look in your eyes and feel that time has been suspended, that this moment is completely ours.

Sunlight streams in through the window, worming it's way through my eyelids. I'm laying in bed, staring at the white wall in front of me. I don't want to check the clock and it takes me more than a few minutes to remember what day it is. I want to sleep, to dream. To wake up in a different place; a different time. 

I'm told this is a normal reaction. Other people who've been away travelling, most for much longer than I was, say it takes a while to 'adjust' once you're back. As soon as I get up I feel better, shaking off the dreary thoughts of half-conciousness. I'm eating healthier, and despite the fact that I haven't gone for a run since I was in Manitoba, I feel like I've lost some travel weight. Mind you, I use eating healthier as a loose term, as in the past two weeks I've managed to put away deep fried mac n' cheese fingers, a glorious tubby dog, pulled pork poutine and maple bacon KD. All the foods I loved and missed have returned to my belly, and while they are delicious they are not as satisfying as I anticipated. 

In fact, all the things I missed so much are like 'meh. Cool.' It's great to catch up with my friends, but they have all gone on with their lives in my absence (!!!!!) and I have to make an effort to be included in things again. Which is also normal. The short and the short is I'm being a sucky baby. I know what I need to do, what I want to do with my life. It's just the doing it that is proving to be a bit more daunting than I had planned. And why is that? Am I missing an enzyme or vitamin in my diet? Am I just being lazy? Am I afraid to fail? Probably some sort of combination of the three. 

Well it's up to me to pull up my socks. No one else is going to do it for me. Willing time to go backwards is proving to not be an effective use of my energy, and really I don't want to click my heels and magically be transported back to Aus. There is a time and place for everything, and right now my time and place are here. What that entails, exactly, I'm not sure. But as painful as it is it's time for Wendy to leave the nursery. 

Clearly I have been spending too much time alone. 

Some fun news is that I've managed to get away with not shaving my armpits in over a week. They are getting pretty terrifying if I do say so myself. And I can get a tiny pony tail of hair to sit on the top of my head, if I wanted to go for a sort of unicorn-chic thing some time. And there you have it, hair grows, time goes on, bugs bite me, memories fade, new relationships are formed, life happens. I choose to appreciate whatever circumstance I am in, and I'm excited for whatever happens next.