Heart vs. Facebook: An Experiment In Romance

"Why don't we just date for like 2 weeks, be really lame about it, then have a really dramatic break up?" was my suggestion, as I laid beside him in bed the next morning. We laughed about it and he jokingly (so I thought) agreed. 

It had been building for months, the tension, the taboo. We work together and with his constant flirting, my friend's disapproval, and the basic fact that any time someone tells me not to do something I want to do it more, I knew it was only a matter of time before we consummated the attraction. And why not? 

I was surprised when I checked in to Facebook the next day and saw that he and I were 'officially' in a relationship. This was something I haven't done in years. Publicly attach my name to someone else's whom I am romantically involved with is not high on my list of things to do. I could explore the reasoning of that for ages, but I'll just get back to the story at hand. I called him asking why he had done such a thing. "Babe. We're dating. We agreed on this." was his response. And so I laughed and went along with it. 

At first no one believed us. I jumped in, posting pictures of him, and us, with obnoxious hashtags. Public make outs (which are not new for me at all, but still generally try to avoid at my place of work), calling each other 'babe' incessantly, sleepovers more often than not. In spite of my reservations, it was fun. 

Yet within a few days we were more comfortable in public than in private. I no longer knew how I felt...was it a fake relationship? Sure he hadn't answered my text in a day or two, but he liked my picture on Facebook...and I was getting texts and comments from people inquiring about my new boyfriend. Who would you believe? 

I was confused. My heart said one thing, my mind said another, my Facebook page said yet another. About 9 days in to our facade of blissful coupledom, an old flame of his came back to town unexpectedly. I was understanding of the situation, as I have a spot or two in my heart reserved for those separated by distance. I told him to figure it out, if you want to be with me then be with me. If not, then fuck off. 

It was unsettling, a tough but interesting situation. Not that I hadn't had some competition in the past, but this was the first time I wasn't confident in the outcome. I waited around for a day or two, eventually realizing that I was wasting my time, and our experimental fling was over, despite the relationship status on my profile page. 

When we finally talked I was neither surprised or devastated. He was apologetic and perhaps a bit too concerned. I listened to Robyn's 'Dancing On My Own' about a million times. I erased our Facebook history, my pretend indulgence in the #hesakeeper movement. I went to work. I got asked out by someone else. I declined. 

If anything, this whole experiment showed me that a part of me is lonely, and I am jealous of those couples who hold hands in public, who know each other's friends well, who post pictures of themselves on vacation or their pet in a hundred different positions. It's annoying, it's lame, and I am envious. 

At the same time, I value my freedom. I hate feeling like I have to report to someone else, no matter what the nature of our relationship is. The first time the 'ex' and I got drunk together I yelled "I belong to no one!!!!" at him about a dozen times. 

He was playing a show this past Saturday at a bar I frequent when I'm not working. Exactly one week after the end of our two week relationship. He asked me to come repeatedly, as a friend, of course. I was working, and got cut in time to catch the very end of his set. But I didn't. Instead I took my time finishing up at work, and went to meet up with one of my best friends for a drink. We went by the bar afterwards, and made our excuses for not being able to get there earlier. I imagine that he looked at me with a kind of wistful longing, like perhaps he had made the wrong choice. But then again, it could have just been the weed, and my dry contacts. And I danced, not on my own, as it turns out but with my best friend. 

Someone asked me what the point of all that was, anyway. On the surface it was a funny approach to a potentially dramatic situation. Plus, we both honestly really love attention. But if I look deeper, I think it was a very valuable lesson in humility for me. And as much as I don't know what I want, and will not be satisfied until I get it, I know what I don't want. That is, someone who's not as into me as I'm into them. Also, I should never be afraid to fall for someone, or to be honest about my feelings. I had a crush, it didn't work out, so what? My value as a person and possible partner does not come from the amount of times I've been accepted, or rejected. It comes from a thousand different experiences and beliefs that shape my personality. I belong to no one. And, for now, that is exactly what I want. 

Afternoon Affirmations

Well the waiting game is over. The best way I can think to put it is...it's like when you're watching a television show, and see the edges of the set. You always knew it wasn't real, but now you've seen too much, and you can't enjoy the story anymore. Anger is pointless; I'm slowly accepting the fact that not every single person I come in to contact with will fall in love with me (probably...) So c'est la vie. I'm happy that I took a chance. Also I am never putting a time limit on sex again. My faith in 'if it feels right, just do it' has been affirmed.

And it's back to square single. Which is for the best anyway, as I have many plans for 2014, and after all I am getting older. Most people I talk to can't believe I'm 26. Maybe because I'm working full time in the service industry. But I prefer to think it's because I still have the shining face of a 21 year old. Or, more likely, the sense of humor and ambition of a 19 year old. 

I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself to reach beyond my limits. To learn new things, to be creative, to exercise, etc. I feel like I have become complacent, in a very happy and social way, that is. I keep saying 'In 2014 I will do this' etc. But what is the difference between January 1 and December 1? Or 4, 17, 23? Days and weeks and months blend together and I can't believe that one year ago today I was preparing to leave Calgary forever. How things have changed! Yet how they've stayed the same...

Probably the best way to motivate myself to do something is to just do it, and not sit around pining about it. And so I will write when I don't feel like writing. I will be alone when I don't feel like being alone. I will smile when I feel like not smiling at all. Attitude follows actions, and if I don't actively appreciate the life I have then I am a fool. Every where I look in my amazing and snuggly apartment is evidence of beautiful moments and people that I've experienced. My heart is full of gratitude. 

We Used To Wait

Sex is a complicated issue for many of us these days. When do you do it? How long should you wait? Will he lose interest if you wait too long? Will he think you're a slut for not waiting long enough? Will you even like him afterwards or will you just make up an excuse about having to work your office job on a Sunday, then awkwardly run into him at the beach after promising to call him but you never do? It goes on and on. I remember when the song 'What's Love Got To Do With It' became popular when I was in high school. My Christian teen self was horrified at the thought that you would have sex with someone for no real reason, other than to have fun. Love has everything to do with it!!! I thought. And then you grow up, and you have sex, and you realize that really it can be whatever you want it to be. 

One of my best friends waited until she was married. One of my other best friends has been having casual sexual encounters since he was 17. I went from a dedicated virgin with a purity ring, to a secret sinner, to a married and divorced woman all by the time I was 20. And after the divorce I was left single and church-less, free to navigate the deep and tumultuous waters of my sexuality in a child size raft. After a couple years of trial and error, relationships and flings, lovers and one night stands, I had come to the conclusion that I was just done for a while. Done with love, done with sex, even done with flirting. What is the point of it all anyway? 

And then I met him (to sound completely and utterly dramatic). We did not have carnal relations the first night...or the second...or the third. In fact it has been a month since we met, which seems like a minute as well as a year. And still no P in V. We decided to wait (frankly it was his idea), to have a period of time called courtship, a word I haven't heard in a long while. The very notion of this strikes up a blaze of suspicions and questions...does he have a disease? Regrettably small equipment? Is he dating someone else? Is he a sociopathic murderer? I suppose only time will tell. 

The thing is...we used to wait. I think that as a generation and culture we have become incredibly impatient. 50 years ago it was common, respectable and expected for a couple to wait until they were extremely serious, if not married to consummate their relationship. Even 10 years ago I was preparing myself to wait an indefinite amount of time for 'the one'. And today here we are, wondering what on earth could possibly motivate someone to NOT have sex. I don't have many regrets in my sexual history, one or two perhaps, and I count myself very lucky for that. But honestly I'm still not sure about this new/old approach to it. I'm as nervous to let him into my body as I am to let him into my heart, and the two have become inexplicably linked. After years of sex now, feelings later (maybe), it's pretty challenging to reverse it in my brain. As much as sex is a place of vulnerability and a sacred union between people, it has also become a shield for us to hide behind. 'It's just sex' 'there was no feelings, just sex' 'what's love got to do with it anyway?' And that can be a fun, hilarious and thrilling place. But it can also be very empty and lonely. I now strive to find what's right for me, and to not compromise myself for anyone. Most often finding what's right takes some time, which takes patience, which takes understanding. It can be lonely, and confusing. One may get blackout wasted and throw yourself at various coworkers/strangers/exes, to no avail. But I have come to believe that how you feel about sex and relationships is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. Or, in the words of Ru Paul, 'if you don't love yourself how the hell you gonna love someone else?' Take time, buy a vibrator, figure it out for yourself.

I'm not sure what will happen with my waiting game. Maybe it will be awful, and then we will be awkward around each other and never talk again. Maybe it will be like stars exploding with rainbows and unicorns and we won't ever want to be away from each other's side. Or maybe it will be a unique, enjoyable bond built on mutual affection and trust. As much as we, as a culture, generation and society, try to downplay the significance of sex, it is a big deal. If it's your first, your fifth, or your ninety-ninth, it is meaningful in some way, and denying that fact is denying your connection to your own sexuality. I am extremely excited and absolutely terrified to find out what happens next. 

Too Cool For School

"It's just weird...I went from being the most popular girl in school to no one knowing my name. I don't like it."
Said Brittany Munro, circa 1996. I was in grade four. And I was an asshole. In a way, all kids are assholes because they are making decisions based almost completely on how they feel. They are not responsible for anyone else, so they are consumed with what is best for them in that moment. So in grade four I had moved schools and went from having three other people in my grade to having thirty. And I wasn't impressed. You would think that I would do anything to be part of the popular kids at that point, and maybe I did, my memory is not awesome. But however it happened, I did not take to popularity past the golden age of 7 when I was being chased around the playground by the cutest boy with the longest rat tail.

I was never satisfied with this situation. In high school there were some tense moments of floating around the edges of the inner circle but never quite finding my way in. Instead of blaming my shortcomings for this I decided it was most likely everyone else's fault, and that I was better than my small town social group.

Many years later I have come to the conclusion that I was insecure and a little bit lonely, just like every other teenager in the world ever. I have nothing against my former classmates and am still friends with a few of them. "What's your point, Brittany?" you are probably thinking to yourself. And to that I say, please refer to the title of this blog. Senseless Ramblings.

But actually I am trying to make some kind of round-about point, and it is this: do we ever leave high school insecurities behind? It's been many years since I've graduated, I've had many life changing experiences and changed my ideas about the person I am and the person I want to be. And yet when I walk in to a pub and happen to know ten or twelve people there, and they all seem happy to see me and I them, I suddenly find myself feeling an ENORMOUS and OVERWHELMING sense of utter awesomeness. And then I start acting like an asshole. Everything I do seems hilarious (to me), everyone I talk to should be happy that I am shining my light of attention on them. Then I black out. And the next morning one of my best friends tells me that he's never wanted to strangle anyone more than he wanted to strangle me last night.

What to do what to do. It seems that being a happier person in general is attracting more people to me. People I enjoy, and want to be friends with. This is a great thing! What is not a great thing is when I let my ego get the better of me and I do things that I regret. If no one ever finds out about my actions, I know what I've been up to. Singing at the top of my lungs in a friend's apartment hallway at 3AM on a Wednesday is silly and may not seem like a big deal. But it is, because I wouldn't want someone to behave that way in my hallway.

As referenced in the Unhappy GYPSY theory (http://www.waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html) I would like to reiterate that our generation has an inflated sense of self, and though I am pursuing higher consciousness and have stopped shaving my legs, I am not an exception. The truth is I am never an exception. I am a human, going through the same challenges as every one else. But what's most important here is that I am responsible for my own actions. No one else's. Just mine. And I can be happy that I have friends, acquaintances I enjoy, and other people who I don't know at all but who I like staring at. And it's my responsibility to behave in a way that is appreciative and respectful of them and of myself, whether I've been drinking water or straight gin. Or gin and water, but that is pretty gross so I don't recommend it. What I do recommend is keeping fit and having fun. And also loving yourself, in a healthy, non-inflated way. I'll let you know my progress on this after Saturday night.

**As a side note, I know I haven't written anything in an incredibly long time and that's my bad. I'm still a couch surfing hobo until Monday, and after that I will once again have some kind of regular writing schedule. Probably. x

A Stranger Conversation

I was a shy child. Even as a teenager and young adult I didn't like talking to people unless I had to. I would walk briskly down the street, with a sour look on my face to discourage anyone from striking up a conversation. I dreaded spending time in public with my mother, as she would inevitably find something to talk about with whoever happened to be around, and I found this embarrassing.

It's interesting for me to realize that this is no longer the case. I enjoy talking to other people, and I try daily to keep myself open to conversations. You never know who you will end up meeting or how you can affect each other. I kept this thought in mind as I was approached by a man in the park a few days ago. I had been there for a few hours, napping and reading. He came up to me and struck up a conversation, about the books we were both reading (I'm currently 1/4 through 'Anatomy of the Spirit' by Caroline Myss, Ph.D.). Instead of politely telling him to go away, or leaving myself, I thought 'well this is an opportunity to get out of my comfort zone. Let's see what happens.' For the next two hours or so, I heard all about his life story, his family, his careers, his ex girlfriends, and his struggle with drugs and realizing his spiritual potential. He was clearly high, and admitted to it at several points. I was a wary, but also curious. I know that when people are high they are unpredictable, so it was important for me to stay calm, and to be alert. I always had my phone handy, and there were always other people close by.

This experience taught me that you can literally connect with anyone, any time, any place. You just have to take the time to listen, to be available. That being said, should you connect with anyone who comes along? I don't know how else to explain it, but this man transferred his troubled energy to me, and for the rest of the day I felt extremely unsettled. He hadn't followed me home, he didn't even know my last name, he didn't share any earth-shattering revelations with me, and yet I was profoundly affected. I assume that this is because I opened myself up on a higher level of consciousness, beyond the interaction you usually have with a stranger to the interaction you would have with a friend. And because of this, I received fragments of his stress, his sadness, his energy. That night I was exhausted, and the next day I spent some quiet time focusing on peace, balance and love.

This experience lines up so completely with what I've been thinking and learning about lately, which is basically the concept that thoughts and emotions can directly affect our physical bodies and our perception of the world around us. For so long I was not interested in feeling and embracing my emotions, because I have had painful experiences in the past (hasn't everyone?) and I thought that life would be easier if I was shut off from other people. I am realizing now how much this goes against everything that makes me a woman, everything that makes me a human. We were meant to feel, to connect, to share our experiences and emotions with other people. Not just a few select people who we have come to know after years and years, but sometimes people we have only just met.

However, not everyone we meet will be a positive connection. Some people are not in control of themselves and will give you a bad feeling; do you notice how one impatient, grumbling person in a line can make the people around them impatient? Suddenly everyone has better things to do than wait in line, even though there will always be times in our lives where we must wait. Others are so much in control that they will seek to control you through every interaction you have, such as a bully in the school yard, or a micro-managing boss.

To use an old saying, I must guard my heart. I will often get an immediate feeling about people I meet, trust or caution, like or dislike. I've told myself to lighten up, not to judge people before I know them. Yet almost every time (if not every time) my very first impressions have proven to be true. I'm not saying I will ignore people, or be unkind to people. But I am learning to be much more cautious of who I open up to. If you spend all your time around young families with children, you will want a family and kids. If you spend all your time around people motivated by material success, you will want material success. And so on. I do not strive to be an elitist of any kind, but I am making an effort to be selective, because the people I surround myself with will influence my reality.

This is a time in my life where I am very aware of my social and spiritual environment. I know that things I talk about now will make some people shake their heads. I know that I will interact with people that I used to know and they will wonder what happened to me. The best way I can explain it is that I am seeing things in a different way, in a way that tells me everything is connected. My environment affects my emotions, which affects my body, which affects my actions, which affects my environment. It is therefore up to me to make sure that I am consciously participating in my life, that I am choosing to think positive, loving thoughts, while making sustainable choices and creating healthy connections and relationships. And as I learn about these things, the most surprising thing to me is that I haven't realized them before. And now that I know, I must act.