Ode To Sandwich

The sandwich wasn’t even that good, honestly. Mystery cold cuts and a white sauce I assume was mayo but refused to really acknowledge on a puffy, whole wheat bun, with a light sprinkling of carrot shreds. I think what made this sandwich appealing was the fact that I didn’t have to make it. Also it was free, leftover and snatched up by moi earlier this afternoon post-exec meeting in my office. I saw it sitting there, lonely and neglected on the now-almost-empty tray, and I knew it was meant to be. I knew I would be hungry later. So I bit off one corner of it, to ward off the forever scavenging IT staff, and put it in the fridge until my tummy was ready for lunch #2.

And now it’s gone. All that anticipation, plus the anxiety that someone would ignore my bite claim and usurp me, just to have a few leftover bits of bun and wondering if it was actually tasty or not.

I had thought to tie this little anecdote into some kind of life lesson and moral thesis, but now I realize it was just a little blurb from the backwards part of my brain. I’ve been reading interesting (see: depressing) articles in www.salon.com all day and I suppose I had the urge to do some reporting of my own.

It’s no doubt the most interesting thing YOU’VE read today, I know. But I think my Ode To Sandwich is a better endeavor than my mid-afternoon day dream about interviewing past lovers while in disguise to see what they really thought about me. Conclusion: I’m ready for the weekend.

And on a completely unrelated note, I am currently accepting ideas for realistic disguises.

A Personal Shortcoming

We all have those quirks we would prefer to ignore; those bad habits, those embarrassing tendencies. I’m not talking about pushing old ladies out of the way at the grocery store or watching animal porn (though both those things are pretty embarrassing). I’m talking about the deep, personal behaviors that you don’t like to admit to because it might (ie. probably will) cause people to look down on you.

But – here goes. After all, what is the point of having a blog if you’re not going to divulge some kind of private insight every once in a while? In my opinion – one of my biggest character flaws is that I need to be liked. Not just liked, I need to be desired. Not just desired, I need to be loved. (These are all different things, but they’re generally along the same line of emotion).

We’ve all been there, in a relationship that you just want to end but you’re not quite sure how to do it. So instead of sitting down and having a conversation with my sig. oth. like a rational person, since high school my go-to has been to cheat. They either find out and break up with me first, or I have to tell them in the break-up process and instead of trying to work things out, they immediately want nothing to do with me. It’s terrible and cowardly, but it’s mostly effective.

It is in my 24^th year that I have finally some-what corrected this habit. Kind of. It’s gone from cheating (which I have sworn off some time ago, since I have become slightly more empathetic and quite a bit less selfish) to emotional detachment, then general craziness. I did something recently to a boy I was seeing that was less than polite, and looking back it’s quite embarrassing. Yet, I find it so hard to gather the courage to face the truth. After much introspection and a few dance sessions, I can say that I ‘act out’ in this way because I’m so afraid I will sit down with the current bf, say what I need to say, and his response will be “yeah, me too! I’m so happy we’re on the same page  – breakup sex?” And I will be crushed. HOW could he not want me anymore? WHY has he been feeling the same way as I? Is it EVEN POSSIBLE that I have been a shitty gf just as much, if not more, than he has been less-than-perfect?

It’s hard to face our own flaws, and it’s ridiculously easy to exaggerate the wrongs of others. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s a lot of women, but the fear of not being wanted anymore is enough pressure to make me do something I would consider unforgivable, so there is a clear reason (in my mind) for him to be happy it’s over. But there are flaws in this so-called logic. Regret, shame, wondering what it would have been like if you’d just been more rational, or brave enough to have a real conversation.

The time has come for me to accept responsibility (gulp). Even more difficult, the time has come for me to start believing in ME. To know without a shadow of a doubt of craziness that I am – despite past wrongs – a good person. I have hurt others, and I have been hurt. But what is the use in hanging on to these ghosts, in clinging to this baggage? Habits like the one I’ve illustrated can only drive people away in the long run, and it certainly won’t contribute to a positive self-image. I’m strong enough to accept that although he doesn’t feel the way he used to about me, we had a good run, and we’re both free to find the paths we’re better suited to. At least, I will tell myself this until it’s true.

In the mean time, does anyone know where I can get one of these...?

Weekly Hi-5 [PLUS] ...

So I often make a joke that if it's not on facebook, it didn't happen. Like last night, I didn't take pictures documenting my friend Dana and I making cookies (mostly because I forgot, not because I was trying to prove a point). So did it really happen? I'm eating a delicious cookie today, so it must have. Yet there is no evidence of the event on instagram, facebook, or twitter...puzzling.

There's a lot of things happening lately. I'm not ready to write about them and publish it for the world (5-10 people) to see. But for now I can give you my Weekly Hi-5 and say that life is beautiful, take it as it comes. Also, I may have had some vino with my lunch.

A Random Smattering of Thoughts

Well my horoscope said “you should exercise your creativity as much as you possibly can today – dance, sing, rhyme and riddle”. As I proved in the grade 8 student council race for social convenor, and again at Bobby’s house last Friday with the T-pain microphone, I can’t really rhyme. So my options are some sort of new age street performance downtown on my lunch break today, or a blog update...I choose you, blog!

It’s been hard for me to think of something to write about, mostly because I have a viewer counter on my page now, so I know how many people have been perusing my ramblings. I decided yesterday though, that I need to focus on how I write, rather than what I write about and who I’m writing to. I’m fully aware that most of my humor and appeal is the sarcastic honesty I provide on a daily basis. But saying an offhanded, racially biased comment to a friend is different than posting it on the great interweb. That’s something I really struggle with in this new age of connectivity, who I am online and who I am in person.

My fear of technology aside, something that’s been on my mind a lot lately is my time here in Calgary. I moved here for a boy, 3 years ago this month. I remember that time with a bittersweet smile. We were so excited, so hopeful, so utterly clueless. I give him serious props for being willing to move in with a 20 year old, recently divorced, with no money or good sense. The first few months were beautiful, everything I had hoped for. Then slowly, between our opposing schedules, gradually differing ‘lifestyle choices’, and my emotional instability we grew apart. I can easily say that leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I went about it completely the wrong way. Just now, 2 years later, I can finally think about him without feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. I’ve achieved peace, to some degree.

And here I am, two or three pseudo relationships later, in a very decent job, with a great and varied friend group, and I have no idea why I’m still in this city. It’s not like I don’t like Calgary, it’s a good place to live, a great place to make money. But most people seem to have the settle-down-and-move-to-the –suburbs mentality. Since I’ve been doing my best to go through life backwards, getting married at 19 and all, I’m just now at the point where I don’t want to settle down. I don’t particularly want that all-consuming, great-love relationship (right now). I don’t want a career. I want to get away. I want to do something spectacular.

This may come as a surprise to some, but I’m a very shy person. I don’t like to go outside my comfort zone, and I get uncomfortable in social situations quite often. I’ve learned to fake my way through these instances, usually by acting a fool. But truthfully I love to have a plan. I have an inherent need to know what’s going to happen next. So now, in my 24^th year, I think it’s time for a change. I think it’s time for an adventure. A very dear friend passed away recently, she was also just 24, and no one saw it coming. We always say ‘live like you’ll die tomorrow’ but very few actually do it. I’m not saying blow all your money and ride the rails like a 1930’s hobo, but take a chance. Even a small risk can have huge rewards. I’m pondering mine now.

Weekly Hi-5

As I spend an unreasonable amount of time trolling the interweb, I come across things I find interesting or hilarious. And because I refuse to join Pinterest, I save them to my computer. And now I'll be posting a few of these things here!

And my favorite song this week is most definitely Nightcall by Kavinsky

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV_3Dpw-BRY&ob=av2e

Responsibly Irresponsible

Let me say that in my mind, I love the way my voice sounds after a night out. Some strange combination of alcohol, cigarettes and shouting have a magical effect on my vocal chords, making me sound mysterious and sexy, possibly capable of pulling off a French accent. In reality, I sound like a dude.

A typical night out for me consists of the following: insisting I’m not going to drink very much. Blatantly staring at people I find even mildly interesting or attractive. Badgering those around me to drink more. Staring at myself in the mirror in the bathroom trying to gauge how drunk I am vs. how drunk I look. Giving in to my craving for cigarettes and inevitably having nonsense conversations with whoever else is smoking. Leaping up on to taller people and/or lifting up short people. Disappearing into the bathroom for questionable periods of time to either give myself or someone else a pep talk or abuse my phone. Peacing out by myself if I decide I am done and want to go home. Eating cereal (original mini wheats) in my bed while debating whether or not to drunk dial anyone. Passing out.

And DANCING! When I am not engaging in any of the above activities, I am dancing. Dancing in a dark room in a crowd of people, with music so loud you can’t talk to anyone is one of my very favorite things to do. In all honesty, it reminds me of my old church days. Not that I was drunk at church...or overly sweaty...But it reminds me of worship, with the emotional swell of music almost overwhelming you, a chorus of voices unified and lifted up, connecting with something that is beyond you. When a certain song comes on, whether it’s one of my favorites (Daft Punk, One More Time) or something I’ve never heard before, there’s a special kind of sound. I can feel it just as much as I can hear it, and I close my eyes (to the dismay of many people who are in my general vicinity) and dance. I know I look crazy, and I do feel bad when I hair whip an unsuspecting bystander in the face, but it feels so freeing, so cathartic to just move. Not to worry about what I look like or who is looking at me. In those moments, I feel that connection to an energy that is beyond my physical body, and I have peace.

Of course, sometimes I just like to shake it like a Polaroid picture, to see how many boys (or girls) whose interest I can capture for a minute or two.

For most of my party-going years I have not quite grasped the term ‘moderation’ and I’ve often blacked out, fallen down stairs, ingested questionable substances, broken glasses and projectile vomited, among other things. But I’m finally getting the hang of Frittany (my shitfaced alter ego) and I have to say, she’s a lot of fun. With the weekend approaching and a few plans in the works, I’m sure I’ll have some interesting stories to relate. Keep fit and have fun!

I'll also be posting some of my weekly favorites on Fridays, so stay tuned for random shit.

Ice Breaker - Break the Ice

I've typed the beginning of this post about 3 times now. Not off to a good start...
Why would you want to read my senseless ramblings over, say, the senseless ramblings of someone younger/richer/better looking/more famous than myself? Because I'm slightly delusional, generally very honest and quite weird. Not weird like I store my own blood in case of emergencies; just your garden variety kind of 20-something girl trying to figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
I believe google can solve at least 50% of life's problems. Just today I learned (via google) that anti-matter does indeed exist! http://www.nasa.gov/centers/glenn/technology/warp/antistat.html I found a template for placecards http://www.gartnerstudios.com/ and I came across these questions to help you get to know me better - and I can already tell, we'll probably fall in love.

1. If you could have an endless supply of any food, what would you get? Assorted cheeses, no hesitation.
2. If you were an animal, what would you be and why? A cat, because they're pretty and they can be all 'pet me-pet me-pet me-BACK THE F OFF OR I WILL CUT YOU'
3. What is one goal you’d like to accomplish during your lifetime? Make the largest elastic band ball in the world. I've already gotten started...
4. When you were little, who was your favorite super hero and why? I wasn't much for super heroes but I sure did love me some Disney Princesses.
5. Who is your hero? I've just now - this very instant - realized my hero is my dad. And I can't elaborate on that right now or I will start crying, just like I did in The Little Mermaid. And that time at the pub...
6. What’s your favorite thing to do in the summer? It's a tie between laying in the sun hoping to find the line between a great tan and skin cancer, and playing in the water.
7. If they made a movie of your life, what would it be about and which actor would you want to play you? It would be about...my life...50% useless internet philandering 10% drunken debauchery 10% talking about feelings 5% eating cheese and/or bacon 25% sleeping. Played by Kristen Stewart, obv. She's super expressive.
8. If you could visit any place in the world, where would you choose to go and why? Australia. I miss my Aussie pals, I want to soak up the sun, and I'm fairly sure I will find my true love there. He is the heir to a mining fortune and part time dolphin trainer.
9. What’s the ideal dream job for you? I want to be a psychologist, so I can deflect all judgment on my actions by pointing out what's wrong with other people. Actually though, I love to talk about feelings, more than I think I should.
10. What are your favorite hobbies? Collecting elastic bands, dancing like a dance machine, hiking/snowshoeing, staring at myself in the mirror for extended periods of time.
11. What are your pet peeves? Incompetent people reproducing (ex. Snooki)
12. Name one of your favorite things about someone in your family. My brother looks like me.
13. Tell us about a unique or quirky habit of yours. I like showering in showers that aren't my own. Like at hotels, or the gym, or friend's houses. As long as they're clean...
14. If I could be anybody besides myself, I would be - Denton Callander. Just for a week or so.