It’s been hard for me to think of something to write about,
mostly because I have a viewer counter on my page now, so I know how many
people have been perusing my ramblings. I decided yesterday though, that I need
to focus on how I write, rather than what I write about and who I’m writing to.
I’m fully aware that most of my humor and appeal is the sarcastic honesty I
provide on a daily basis. But saying an offhanded, racially biased comment to a
friend is different than posting it on the great interweb. That’s something I
really struggle with in this new age of connectivity, who I am online and who I
am in person.
My fear of technology aside, something that’s been on my
mind a lot lately is my time here in Calgary. I moved here for a boy, 3 years
ago this month. I remember that time with a bittersweet smile. We were so
excited, so hopeful, so utterly clueless. I give him serious props for being
willing to move in with a 20 year old, recently divorced, with no money or good
sense. The first few months were beautiful, everything I had hoped for. Then
slowly, between our opposing schedules, gradually differing ‘lifestyle choices’,
and my emotional instability we grew apart. I can easily say that leaving him
was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I went about it completely the
wrong way. Just now, 2 years later, I can finally think about him without
feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. I’ve achieved peace, to some degree.
And here I am, two or three pseudo relationships later, in a
very decent job, with a great and varied friend group, and I have no idea why I’m
still in this city. It’s not like I don’t like Calgary, it’s a good place to
live, a great place to make money. But most people seem to have the settle-down-and-move-to-the
–suburbs mentality. Since I’ve been doing my best to go through life backwards,
getting married at 19 and all, I’m just now at the point where I don’t want to
settle down. I don’t particularly want that all-consuming, great-love
relationship (right now). I don’t want a career. I want to get away. I want to
do something spectacular.
This may come as a surprise to some, but I’m a
very shy person. I don’t like to go outside my comfort zone, and I get
uncomfortable in social situations quite often. I’ve learned to fake my way
through these instances, usually by acting a fool. But truthfully I love to
have a plan. I have an inherent need to know what’s going to happen next. So
now, in my 24th year, I think it’s time for a change. I think it’s
time for an adventure. A very dear friend passed away recently, she was also
just 24, and no one saw it coming. We always say ‘live like you’ll die tomorrow’
but very few actually do it. I’m not saying blow all your money and ride the
rails like a 1930’s hobo, but take a chance. Even a small risk can have huge
rewards. I’m pondering mine now.
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