A Personal Shortcoming

We all have those quirks we would prefer to ignore; those bad habits, those embarrassing tendencies. I’m not talking about pushing old ladies out of the way at the grocery store or watching animal porn (though both those things are pretty embarrassing). I’m talking about the deep, personal behaviors that you don’t like to admit to because it might (ie. probably will) cause people to look down on you.

But – here goes. After all, what is the point of having a blog if you’re not going to divulge some kind of private insight every once in a while? In my opinion – one of my biggest character flaws is that I need to be liked. Not just liked, I need to be desired. Not just desired, I need to be loved. (These are all different things, but they’re generally along the same line of emotion).

We’ve all been there, in a relationship that you just want to end but you’re not quite sure how to do it. So instead of sitting down and having a conversation with my sig. oth. like a rational person, since high school my go-to has been to cheat. They either find out and break up with me first, or I have to tell them in the break-up process and instead of trying to work things out, they immediately want nothing to do with me. It’s terrible and cowardly, but it’s mostly effective.

It is in my 24^th year that I have finally some-what corrected this habit. Kind of. It’s gone from cheating (which I have sworn off some time ago, since I have become slightly more empathetic and quite a bit less selfish) to emotional detachment, then general craziness. I did something recently to a boy I was seeing that was less than polite, and looking back it’s quite embarrassing. Yet, I find it so hard to gather the courage to face the truth. After much introspection and a few dance sessions, I can say that I ‘act out’ in this way because I’m so afraid I will sit down with the current bf, say what I need to say, and his response will be “yeah, me too! I’m so happy we’re on the same page  – breakup sex?” And I will be crushed. HOW could he not want me anymore? WHY has he been feeling the same way as I? Is it EVEN POSSIBLE that I have been a shitty gf just as much, if not more, than he has been less-than-perfect?

It’s hard to face our own flaws, and it’s ridiculously easy to exaggerate the wrongs of others. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s a lot of women, but the fear of not being wanted anymore is enough pressure to make me do something I would consider unforgivable, so there is a clear reason (in my mind) for him to be happy it’s over. But there are flaws in this so-called logic. Regret, shame, wondering what it would have been like if you’d just been more rational, or brave enough to have a real conversation.

The time has come for me to accept responsibility (gulp). Even more difficult, the time has come for me to start believing in ME. To know without a shadow of a doubt of craziness that I am – despite past wrongs – a good person. I have hurt others, and I have been hurt. But what is the use in hanging on to these ghosts, in clinging to this baggage? Habits like the one I’ve illustrated can only drive people away in the long run, and it certainly won’t contribute to a positive self-image. I’m strong enough to accept that although he doesn’t feel the way he used to about me, we had a good run, and we’re both free to find the paths we’re better suited to. At least, I will tell myself this until it’s true.

In the mean time, does anyone know where I can get one of these...?