First off, let me say something that will make you doubt me
indefinitely. I legitimately think the world is going to end. Or perhaps I
should say, I sincerely hope that the world will end. An ex of mine got me
interested in reading the news, bless him as I no longer get asked if I live
under a rock, but the more I learn the more distressed I am that society and
humanity as a whole has gotten to this point. Corruption, scandal,
sky-rocketing debt, the social oppression in Russia, the ongoing fallout from
the tsunami in Japan, the Kardashians reproducing, the list goes on and on. It’s depressing to say the
least. However, I do not live in a hopeless, defeatist state of mind.
I think that everyone, every living thing really, is just a
form of energy, and that energy is part of a cyclical program that I couldn’t
begin to understand even if it was mapped out in front of me. Without getting
too philosophical – I don’t believe that
physical death is the end. So, the thought of a massive disaster or full-scale
war or zombie apocalypse doesn’t really bother me. I wouldn’t want to be around
for it...I would probably be one of the first to check out, honestly. But I
think of an event like that as more of a beginning of a new world, rather than
an end to this one. And I am realizing that I sound like a total hippie
anarchist.
All that aside – and no I have not been sitting around for
weeks in a basement smoking weed coming up with this theory – the question that
bothers me is what to do in the mean time? I can’t just do nothing, expecting
the world to end at any moment, as I’m sure I would find myself on the street
corner with a shopping trolley full of empty pop bottles shouting nonsense and
scaring children at the age 50-something. And so a phrase often repeated by my
father comes to mind: plan like you will live forever, live like you will die
tomorrow.
This is a tough one. Ever since my short-term marriage I
have had issues with words like ‘forever’. But at the same time, it’s taken me
years of conscious effort not to have a panic attack when dark forces conspire
and I’m suddenly left with a free weekend – no plans (le gasp!!!). So I’ve made
a sort of bucket list, things I would like to do if and when the time is right.
To name a few: visit Australia, backpack India, get my psychology degree, see
Daft Punk live, bake a pie, vacation on a beach, meet and possibly hook up with
a transsexual, you know the usual sort of things a 24 year old would want to
do.
What used to be on the top of that list was: find someone to
do these things with, who may or may not be my soul mate. For now I’m quite
happy to go to Australia on my own, but only because I have friends over there
already. I still can’t quite imagine backpacking through a completely foreign
country on my own. I may have massive pipes, but my self-defense skills aren’t
really up to par.
I see happy couples on my facebook, posting pictures with
idiotic captions (‘our first home sweet home!!!’ ‘my man and I on the beach <3’
‘can’t wait to marry her!’) and I’m torn. I want to gag a little bit, but I’m
also jealous. I do want that kind of traditional relationship, but I’ve
realized I don’t really want it right now. I’ve surprisingly grown accustomed
to being a single unit and I have to say it’s very rewarding. I have a few
projects on the go that are all mine, a few plans in the works that I need no
input from anyone else on. BUT – if the world does end relatively soon, will I
be alone?
It’s cliché, but it’s true...we all die alone. So I don’t
really know what I’m worried about. I can look back at this point and
appreciate the romances I’ve had, the connections I’ve experienced, the knowledge
I’ve gained and pleasure I’ve enjoyed. And maybe that will be enough. For now I just have to remind myself to challenge myself, and to trust that everything is unfolding as it should.
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