Stampede Reflections & Other Thoughts

For some reason writing a new post has been baffling me. I’m still at a loss but I’m going to force myself to be somewhat creative. So, I’ll write about something easy – Stampede. For those of you who don’t know what this is, it’s an annual event held by the city of Calgary. There’s a parade, a midway, concerts, a rodeo, pancake breakfasts and party tents. Basically it’s an excuse for the executives here to spend company money getting shitfaced, and for everyone else to either drink their livers into an early grave or to stay as far away from downtown as humanly possible. Also sex. There’s a lot of sex going on.

This was my 4^th Stampede and I have to say I think it was my most disappointing, aside from my 1^st when I was sick the whole time with bronchitis. But I don’t think my displeasure had anything to do with the events themselves – beautiful weather was enjoyed by all, and a record attendance was reported almost everywhere. I am fairly confident that I have changed. Sure I had some laughs, like when I shouted out "I'M MENSTRUATING" while being hit on. Or when I ended up at the gay bar one night with a very attractive person. Or when I was able to actually make some money at my so-called part-time job. But generally, those 10 days left a lot to be desired.

It started in Las Vegas, this past January, when I rang in 2012 with some friends and some strangers. I didn’t enjoy the city, as it seemed to be all about how much money you had and what you looked like. And I found the same kind of attitude through much of Stampede. I know, I know, it’s the way of the world etc. etc. But I don’t enjoy it, and I find it generally exhausting. Couple all that with the decisive end to a relationship that has been carrying on for the better part of a year and I haven’t been in the best of spirits lately.

I have an ever-present, albeit misguided, desire to move off into the woods and live in a commune. Realistically I would last about 2 days, but in my fantasies it seems a perfect solution to the materialism and competition I see and experience every day. I’m not perfect by any means. I feel the sharp stab of jealousy when I see a girl about my age walking around in Laboutins, and I try to rationalize with myself that a $1,500.00 purse is really an investment...but when it comes down to it I just can’t buy in. It’s just stuff.  So I day dream about having dreadlocks and never plucking my eyebrows or shaving my armpits. I think longingly of my time in Tofino last summer when I slept in the woods and ran around half-naked on the beach.

However, I need to find a balance. I would rather not float through my 20’s in a haze, to wake up in my 30’s and realize everyone around me is some sort of responsible adult. Also, let's be frank, I like being attractive. I will settle for nerdy-attractive, but still. Attention is another sort of drug. So I will endeavor this year to decide just how to make these two sides of me work. And (deep breath) I will stop trying to change people, as I should know by now that no one changes unless they want to.

One thing I have been doing to counter-act my most common side-effect of Stampede -> boob envy (especially after a 10 minute conversation with a strange man about how much better my life would be if I got implants), is to stop wearing a bra. Mostly because I resent the pressure that I feel that my breasts just aren't big enough, but also because I hurt my shoulders by wearing ridiculous push-ups. Most importantly, though, I want to be happy with who I am and comfortable with what I have. I'm three days and counting.