Adult Angst + Hi 5

Once again, I want to write about something that I can't write about. Not yet anyway. What I will write about instead is how I walk to work every day, and as I get closer and closer to the office I feel less and less like myself. I start to feel more like a shell of Brittany Munro, my true nature-and-glitter-loving self must go into hiding, so I don't get pulled in and brainwashed by the corporate drag of office life. I wonder, as my 25th birthday approaches, if everyone eventually feels this way? Is this just how life goes, and I have to escape to my real life on the weekends and holidays?

Something about that just seems wrong. Something must be done. I don't want to spend my days tip tapping away at a keyboard, or answering phones. I want to have conversations with people, I want to burn incense, I want to be naked outside, I want to dance in the moonlight. (I think I was born in the wrong era.) Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me...other people my age seem to be getting their lives sorted out. They have careers, not jobs. They have cars and are getting ready to buy houses. They have dinner parties and weddings and discussions about waiting a few more years to have children.

Perhaps "settling down" at the beginning of my 20's has had more of an impact on me than I first thought. Having my whole life plan penned down in 5-year steps, convincing myself that that is the life I want...and then realizing it's not...realizing that I can change the plan.

Perhaps I'm doing adult-life backwards. So maybe I should just leap - leave all this growing-up nonsense behind for a little while and see if what I REALLY want becomes clear. As nice as a Tiffany engagement ring and a downtown loft with a smart handsome man appeal to me...can I get away with that lifestyle with hairy underarms and refusing to wear a bra? Maybe. But the thought of all that any time soon is more suffocating than soothing.

I guess all those episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 are getting to me. I don't have SAT's or the prom to worry about, so I'm focusing on something else. I know how easily influenced I am by television; when I was immersed in The L Word I very nearly convinced myself I'm a lesbian (I still haven't ruled it out completely). At any rate, diary session over. I'm going to tell myself that this is just all part of Life, The Grand Mystery. Worrying will just give me wrinkles.

And here's the Hi-5! Happy Weekend!