The Hardest Part

Over the past week and a bit, I’ve talked with a few different people about difficult or challenging situations in their lives. I guess spring truly is the season of change, of growth. Whether it’s leaving a partner, starting a new business endeavor, dealing with parental issues, or saying goodbye, it’s never easy. As one of my friends said to me ‘growth is uncomfortable sometimes’, which is – in my opinion – incredibly accurate. Depending on the degree of change you’re experiencing, I find more often than an acutely painful sensation, I feel distinctly uncomfortable. Like there’s something I can’t quite put my finger on, but my day (week, etc.) is just somehow ‘off’.

The hardest part for me is understanding how I really feel. I’ve developed an unhealthy little habit over the years of misdirecting my emotions, which is probably something a lot of people do. You’re stressed about work, you take it out on your significant other. You’re angry with your partner, you take it out on your friends, and on and on. But it’s not always easy to pinpoint the source. As humans we are illogical, we are driven in a huge way by our emotions, our perceptions, and those can change moment to moment.

I’ve gotten better at being honest with myself about my feelings, with time and practice. When my parents separated it took me over a year to actually say out loud that I was angry with my mother. And now when I know that I’m feeling ‘off’, the best thing for me to do is spend some time alone, focus my energy inwards, and try to figure out what the real issue is. This isn’t the solution, it’s only the first step, but it’s the most important. Next I have to give myself permission to feel however I need to. It’s ok to be sad, to be angry, to be disappointed – with others or with myself. Then comes accepting this new part of my life, and creating new habits or adjusting my ways of thinking to accommodate the change.

I can’t imagine that growing from a sapling into a tree is a painless process (if trees could feel pain, that is). It involves stretching further than you ever have before, extending through the discomfort, hoping that somehow you will find the next stage. Holding out and having faith that there is a place of contentment, if you can just reach a little further.