Relationship Resume (é?)

From the Desk of Brittany Munrollio

To Whom It May Concern:

Hello! My name is Brittany and I would greatly appreciate it if you could take some time now to read about my experiences and qualifications for being your girlfriend. My close friend, Amanda, has told me about how happy she was in her past relationship with you, and I am confident that I am an ideal candidate for the position which is currently open. I have enclosed a brief, yet comprehensive, resume of my relationship history for your consideration. 

Affectionate, attractive and outgoing are just a few of my many relationship-friendly qualities. If you find yourself feeling down after a demanding day at the office, I will use my well-developed women's intuition to determine if you need a back rub, a stiff drink or a more rigorous physical activity to reduce tension. If you enter a room with me by your side, you are sure to be looked upon as a successful prize winner, an up-and-comer in both your corporate and social worlds. No need to worry about awkward silences, either. With my winning smile, knowledge of current events and high alcohol tolerance I am able to entertain audiences from your disapproving grandmother to an unruly group of children.  

There are numerous other dynamic personality traits I would be happy to apply in the official position of your girlfriend. I am an excellent communicator and am able to resolve conflicts quickly and gracefully. In the past I have dealt with issues such as moodiness, bad guitar playing, video game addictions and owning a Hummer. I am well equipped to handle any road-bumps by applying a unique blend of logic and emotion. I am also aware of various sexual appetites and interests and would consider myself a very open minded person.  

Thank you once again for your consideration. I will be following up with an e-card that is not too romantic, but certainly not something you would receive from a platonic friend. 

Sincerely, 

Brittany Munrollio 

*******************

So a friend and I were talking last week about our relationship resumes  and he challenged me with creating one of my own. This cover letter is obviously 1) a joke, and 2) not entirely accurate. As I was writing it I knew I had to reference a business cover letter template, as opposed to a personals ad. And just like you do with resumes for both your work and your dating life, I left out all the bad parts and exaggerated the good parts. 

This was just a funny writing exercise for me, but it does make one think a bit. What does your relationship resume look like? Anyone you would leave out, like that embarrassing job at McDonald's in high school? What qualities do you like to exaggerate (even if it's just to yourself)? Maybe relationships should be more like employment, with semi-annual evaluations and expense reports. I can hear you whining now "oh that's not romantic". It might not be romantic, but it could save you a lot on emotional overhead. 

Anyway, it's Wednesday and it's Halloween and I'm now focused on dressing up in sequins for Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight. As promised, here is a picture of me from this past weekend as a Lumber Jack aka Ru Paul Bunyan. I think it worked well. On the other hand, I blacked out a lot that night so no one knows for sure. Still searching for that elusive middle-ground with Frittany. Someday...

 

I'm A Mouse...Duh! + Hi 5

"Halloween is the one day of the year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. The hardcore girls just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears." - Mean Girls

Of course I'm writing about this, it's the pre-Halloween party weekend and everyone is gearing up for some slut-tastic costumes. I did a quick Google search for some ideas and the results were vast. Some of my faves  are: Racy Robin Hood, Pandalicious (a panda), Beetlejuice Secret Wishes, Chinese Hot Sauce Adult, Sexy Miss. Tin Man. I mean, it's just so hard to choose...[SARCASM!]

Ok, Sexy Nurse/Cop/Wonder Woman/etc. are all very understandable. But Beetlejuice? There is nothing sexy about Beetlejuice. Or a bottle of Chinese Hot Sauce, really? At what point in your life do you look at a bottle of Chinese Hot Sauce and think "I'd really like to fuck this, if only it had breasts and a vajay." Suddenly you're at a Halloween party and all your dreams have come true!

I understand the desire to want to dress scandalously, there is a certain power in dressing like a stripper, yet being unattainable. And let's be honest, getting attention when you look awesome makes you feel even more awesome. But are we really at a point in our lives where we are willing to dress up as a Sexy Crayon for some attention? I don't think dressing 'sexy' for Halloween is a crime, but for Jack The Pumpkin King's sake, let's get a bit more realistic than a bottle of hot sauce.

But what if you don't want to dress sexy? I felt the social pressure last Halloween when I wanted to dress up like a scary Medusa. I wanted people to look at me thinking "hmm that girl looks hot I wonder how much cleavage she's - oh sweet lord she has no soul!" I wasn't sure how to do this, but I set to work buying snakes for my hair and black-out contacts, looking up images of the real Medusa for inspiration. But as the day got closer, and my friends were talking about their costumes, such as Sexy Red Riding Hood, I started to feel this pressure to be less scary, more sexy. I had visions of going to a Halloween party and my boyfriend looking with lust at  all the other 'Sexy' girls, but being stuck with me, the soul-less Greek myth. So I caved, and ended up with a weird combination look (let's call it scaxy) that probably seemed like I just hadn't tried very hard.

Well no more!!! This year I've decided to not give a hoot, and am dressing as Lumber'Jack' (there will be a uni-brow; I'll post a pic or two). In part to make fun of the sexy costume ridiculousness, and in part because I like faux facial hair. A lot. I know that most people will look at me with confusion, maybe even disgust. And I don't care, because while I know I could rock the Sexy Zombie School Girl like nobody's business, I would rather save a version of that for the bedroom. Instead I will pay homage to one of my favorite cross-dress promoting H-ween movies, and much fun will be had.

Rant over! Happy Friday!

Oh, and Happy (almost) Halloween!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dr-zTldPiVE&feature=BFa&list=PLFD3804B867F27E0D

Love Potion

I've been reading a book called 'The Female Brain' by Dr. Louann Brizendine and I feel the need to share some info here, because it's fascinating and it explains a lot about why I feel the way I feel (well, women in general). So next time I'm upset/sad/moody about matters of the heart and am saying "I don't know what's wrong with meeee!!!" while crying and eating a carton of Ben & Jerrys, you can say "refer to your own blog, you sappy idiot". Well, hopefully you'd be a bit nicer than that.

Anyway, when you are, ah, shall we say 'intimate' with someone, your brain releases large amounts of oxytocin, which makes you feel happy, content, euphoric, etc. and helps you to bond and have strong feelings for the person you're with (this is true for both men and women, though usually women release more oxytocin, making us more emotional - surprise!). That's probably what started the whole 'don't spend the night' thing for one-night stands. It's not the actual act of sex that [chemically] bonds you to someone, but the hormones that are released afterwards, who have their own little party while you cuddle up to your partner.

Think about it...have you ever been with someone who you don't particularly care for, but they're really attractive, great sexual chemistry, etc? As you continue to hook up, you find yourself 'falling for him/her' but you don't know why, it doesn't really make sense. It must be love! Wrong. It is just your body getting used to those happy hormones, becoming somewhat dependent on them.

Thus, when you actually do like someone, and you add in these boosts of brain/body bonding, it's easy to see how quickly feelings can develop. And how much it absolutely sucks when you say goodbye. It's generally more painful for girls, as we are more sensitive to the hormone changes in our bodies. The withdrawal reaction from no more oxytocin can actually cause physical discomfort/pain (explains the two weeks you couldn't eat because of nausea after a bad breakup). This also explains why the newly single folk are so eager for rebound-sex, their bodies are craving that neuro-chemical high.

Of course it's not all about sex. Being physically close to someone, skin to skin touching, maintaining eye contact, hugging for longer than 10 seconds. All of these things promote bonding. Unless you're stuck on a crowded C-train during the first snowfall. Then all of those things are really irritating. Then again, you are surrounded by cranky strangers in that scenario (which probably doesn't turn you on. Probably.)

I used to get upset when people would say 'love is just a chemical reaction' and you can get the same feelings from eating a lot of chocolate. First of all, that better be damn good chocolate. Second of all, no the thought of love as an emotional response to a physical action isn't very romantic. But that doesn't mean it isn't true, to some extent.

When I was engaged, many many moons ago, what I heard often from the older generation was that 'love is a choice'. I didn't really understand that, I thought they were saying a 'you've made your love bed and now you have to sleep in it' kind of thing. That kind of thinking leads to people staying in unfulfilling or unhealthy relationships. When I think of love as a choice now, I realize that you can have "in love" feelings with pretty much anyone, because yes it is basically just a chemical reaction. But when you find someone special, someone who can drive you crazy, someone who can make you a better person, someone you get used to and those "in love" feelings fade...real love is choosing to forge and maintain a bond beyond the ups and downs of hormones, because you want to, because they are worth it to you.

I'm not saying there's a right or a wrong way to go about a love connection. It's just a good idea to know what you're really getting into when you get in to bed. Class dismissed. Haha, just kidding I could never be a teacher, I would end up in jail. But you should think about reading that book, as it's much more informative (though less hilarious) than my regurgitated ramblings.

Oh yeah, it's Friday Hi-5 Time

I'll cut to the chase. I didn't go to zumba class on Wednesday. Or abs class on Thursday. And I'm definitely not going to the gym tonight, as I'm pretty sure they don't serve the red wine I've been craving. Rather than beat myself up about my lack of motivation/dedication/willpower/general interest, I've decided this week has been my resting week. Next week will be different. Next week I will get my shit together and - if necessary - brave the cold winds in pursuit of physical fitness.

Any bets on this actually happening? Why is it so hard to motivate oneself in the winter? At this point I'm going to have to resort to taping up pictures of Victoria's Secret models in my room, which will definitely illicit some questions from my Roomies.

It's not just health I'm having trouble with, but motivation in general. Waking up in the middle of the night confused about what time zone I'm in can't be helping, but how long can I blame jet lag for my disinterest in most activities? I don't even want to write this, I'm just in the habit of doing it at this point. Maybe I'll have an exciting adventure, an awesome epiphany, or an unexpected disturbance this weekend to shake me up. Or maybe I'm just keeping secrets, and don't know what to write about because I'm focused on something else entirely...only time will tell! Unless I'm struck down by a car on the way home today, in which case you'll never find out. Sorry.

But for now, while we're all still here, I bequeath to you my Friday Hi-5:

^ This one is from my recent vacay, had to sneak it in! 

  

On The Plus Side, My Fingers Aren't Fat Anymore

So I am back from the other side of the world. Back at my job, back at my house, back to real life. It's not fantastic. I mean, I missed my roomies and I'm happy to be back to my full selection of clothing (I really need to learn how to pack like a reasonable person). But generally...I'm not pumped. However, I have come to learn that this is normal, according to Wikipedia: "A person may suffer from Post Vacation Blues after returning home or to a normal routine from a long vacation, especially if it was a pleasurable one...Post vacation blues may result in tiredness, loss of appetite, strong feelings of nostalgia, and in some cases, depression. Jet lag may intensify the post vacation blues." Seems simple enough, and it makes me feel better for laying around the house in my sweat pants for the past 3 days, eating Nutella on animal crackers and crying intermittently. 

But it's time to pull up my socks! Or, more appropriately, my stockings. It's officially autumn here in Calgary, which means no more bare legs. I somewhat-happily donned my leather pirate-chic coat with fur collar this morning, and pulled my woolen leopard print mittens out of storage. I hope I can wear my vintage mink coat this winter, as last year it didn't get cold enough. Before you start thinking 'Cruella DeVille' let me just stop you and say...you know, I actually have no supporting argument. I love fur. Sorry. (I'm not really sorry). 

So this is what it has come to, counting on my love of animal skins to pull me out of PVB. Well, there are worse things. Probably. And on the plus side, my hands aren't swollen from the change in air pressure or whatever happened there. Tonight, we zumba!!