To Whom It May Concern:
Hello! My name is Brittany and I would greatly appreciate it if you could take some time now to read about my experiences and qualifications for being your girlfriend. My close friend, Amanda, has told me about how happy she was in her past relationship with you, and I am confident that I am an ideal candidate for the position which is currently open. I have enclosed a brief, yet comprehensive, resume of my relationship history for your consideration.
Affectionate, attractive and outgoing are just a few of my many relationship-friendly qualities. If you find yourself feeling down after a demanding day at the office, I will use my well-developed women's intuition to determine if you need a back rub, a stiff drink or a more rigorous physical activity to reduce tension. If you enter a room with me by your side, you are sure to be looked upon as a successful prize winner, an up-and-comer in both your corporate and social worlds. No need to worry about awkward silences, either. With my winning smile, knowledge of current events and high alcohol tolerance I am able to entertain audiences from your disapproving grandmother to an unruly group of children.
There are numerous other dynamic personality traits I would be happy to apply in the official position of your girlfriend. I am an excellent communicator and am able to resolve conflicts quickly and gracefully. In the past I have dealt with issues such as moodiness, bad guitar playing, video game addictions and owning a Hummer. I am well equipped to handle any road-bumps by applying a unique blend of logic and emotion. I am also aware of various sexual appetites and interests and would consider myself a very open minded person.
Thank you once again for your consideration. I will be following up with an e-card that is not too romantic, but certainly not something you would receive from a platonic friend.
Sincerely,
Brittany Munrollio
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So a friend and I were talking last week about our relationship resumes and he challenged me with creating one of my own. This cover letter is obviously 1) a joke, and 2) not entirely accurate. As I was writing it I knew I had to reference a business cover letter template, as opposed to a personals ad. And just like you do with resumes for both your work and your dating life, I left out all the bad parts and exaggerated the good parts.
This was just a funny writing exercise for me, but it does make one think a bit. What does your relationship resume look like? Anyone you would leave out, like that embarrassing job at McDonald's in high school? What qualities do you like to exaggerate (even if it's just to yourself)? Maybe relationships should be more like employment, with semi-annual evaluations and expense reports. I can hear you whining now "oh that's not romantic". It might not be romantic, but it could save you a lot on emotional overhead.
Anyway, it's Wednesday and it's Halloween and I'm now focused on dressing up in sequins for Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight. As promised, here is a picture of me from this past weekend as a Lumber Jack aka Ru Paul Bunyan. I think it worked well. On the other hand, I blacked out a lot that night so no one knows for sure. Still searching for that elusive middle-ground with Frittany. Someday...
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