Family Matters

Coming from a traditional Ukranian background, my (extended) family and I don't see eye to eye on a few issues. I thought I had permanently stopped any pressure about "settling down" after getting married at 19, divorced at 20. However, as I noticed at a family wedding this past weekend, little comments have started creeping up. Inquiries about my love life, why I haven't brought anyone around to meet the fams in over 4 years (has it only been 4 years???), hints at starting a family. In my opinion, my Baba (maternal grandma) already has 4 great grandchildren and I think my uterus and I should get a free pass. Maybe they are just concerned that I am a lesbian, which is understandable given my penchant for cross dressing and facial hair.

Anyway, my evolving feminist ideals could come crashing up against these traditional [narrow-minded] values and potentially cause everyone some grief, but mostly it would result in people gossiping behind my back. So I bite my tongue. Unless I've been drinking and mistakenly say 'my lover' instead of 'my boyfriend', which did happen and was mostly ignored, aside from some raised eyebrows. How do I explain to my Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents and younger cousins that I don't identify with the boyfriend/girlfriend terms right now, and I find 'lover' an acceptable and progressive alternative. Of course, explaining it that way makes me sound like a hippie. Also that term shines a huge spotlight on the elephant in the room trying to hide under a coffee table - sex. It is a talent of the older generations, to simply not acknowledge things they find disagreeable. Instead they ask about my work, my education plans, my hobbies. And when it's time to go I get a whisper of "I'm praying for you."

I don't hold this against them (well, I try not to). It's true that to a certain extent I feel I can't be myself around most of my family. But really, who can? And even if I don't agree with their methods, the expression of love is still there. Baba is concerned about the state of my soul, Gido (grandpa) is concerned because my parents split up, everyone else is probably concerned that I am anorexic (before they saw me attack the dessert table, that is). And if that interest in my well being comes across as smothering, well, that's what family is for I suppose.

After a full day and a half of family bonding, it was starting to grate on me, and I wished I was still sleeping off my hangover from the wedding reception, like my brother. I made my rounds, hugging everyone who was still visiting after breakfast. My cousin, the bride, who I haven't actually talked to in years, thanked me for coming. Then she said, to my surprise, "by the way, I read your blog. I really enjoy it." I thanked her and again congratulated her. My Baba hugged me goodbye and said "by the way, there's homemade cinnamon buns for you in the fridge. Be safe. I'm praying for you." And although I don't always agree with how they love me, I very much appreciate the fact that my family does love me. And maybe they know me a bit better than I thought.