Mystery Crush

You know when you listen to a radio show consistently, and you develop a picture in your mind of what the person attached to the voice looks like? Then you see them on a billboard or on the station’s website and you’re like – Whoah. WTF?

I think having a crush is kind of like that. You meet someone and you start chatting, flirting, drawing their name on your binder with hearts floating around it, practicing your signature with their last name for when you get married, calling them every single day believing that this will be the day they finally declare their undying love for you......no? Well that’s how it was for me in high school anyway (sorry Chris S.). Whatever your method, during the blissful days of crushing, the object of your affection seems completely wonderful. Every smile, every laugh, every glance seems to happen in slow motion and gives you butterflies. Then you get to know them and realize they are kind of an idiot, just like everyone else.    

I was talking with a friend lately about relationships, the internet, relationships over the internet and relationships with the internet, but that got weird so just back to relationships and the internet. I read an article on Salon.com about a woman who had an intimate emotional affair with a man she had never met – over twitter. My first reaction was probably the same as yours, wow she sounds crazy. But then I started to really mull it over, chew on the issue like a nice steak, and relate it to my own experiences. You have total control over whatever you send out or post, and so the person you’re talking to can present to you only what they want to present. Like me, for example, you’re reading my blog thinking I’m an attractive 20-something girl, when really I am a fat old man in a basement, eating cheese puffs and laughing at you! Just kidding, I’m myself (whoever she is).

The nub and gist of my rambling today is: how can you really know someone you’ve never met, or have only met once or twice? The internet has provided an amazing and totally new way of connecting people who are worlds apart, who would never be able to meet or stay in touch without it. But unlike other revolutionary inventions (such as the automobile; you had to learn how to operate it, then you had to learn the rules of the road before you got a licence and were even allowed to use it) the internet doesn’t have any kind of guidelines, a user manual, etc. There are no rules. I mean sure, there are the general societal rules like don’t be a racist or a pedophile or use ‘their’ incorrectly. But there’s no code of conduct, especially when the heart is involved.

So back in the olden days, boy meets girl, asks her out, she says yes, they go on a date. First dates were nerve-wracking occasions. Look your best, don’t talk about your alcoholic family, avoid mentioning the Ex, find some common interests. Today it is possible to discuss your most intimate sexual fantasies and intricate personal problems without ever having made eye contact. If you do get a face to face date, no need to worry about what you look like, she’s probably already seen all your drunken college pictures on Facebook. And there’s a good chance she knows your relationship and work history, political views, religious values and what you 'Like'. Does this not seem a little weird?!? We’ve never been more careful with our personal finance information, with the risk of identity theft and credit card fraud ever present. But the right kind of phrasing, a cute picture, and an extra 5 minutes of attention every day can bring our guard down like the Berlin Wall (which was a very positive, progressive thing, it was just the only appropriate reference I could think of).

I’m not saying internet dating is wrong, or that sites like sugardaddy.com aren’t viable places to find love, but maybe let’s pump the brakes a bit. It’s easy to feel connected to people when you’re interacting with them one on one, exchanging sneaky emails for your eyes only. But to allow yourself to fall in love with someone who you haven’t spent very much quality time with - being actually physically present that is - seems very risky to me. There is not going to be one Complete Set of Rules that everyone can follow. Everyone has different boundaries and comfort levels. I’m just saying, if a guy or girl you’re IM-ing with seems like the most absolutely amazing person who ever lived, there is something they’re not telling you. Maybe they like to trip old people. Maybe they are married. Maybe they have a really annoying twitch. Maybe they just really suck as a person. Guard your virtual heart, because it hurts just as much as a ‘real’ breakup to end a relationship with someone who only exists in your iPhone.