Sexual Lifestyle

Something I've been pondering lately...am I a Sexual Person? Over the past few months three men in my life have told me, in various ways, that I am 'trying to change myself' 'suppress myself' or 'hide who I really am'. This has puzzled me and caused a lot of reflection. Allow me to think out loud (via my keyboard).

It's true, in my younger years I was a bit of a scamp, a tease if you will. I took a sadistic pleasure in taunting men. I made an excellent beertub girl, let me tell you. If I had been better at math I might have actually made some money. Anyway, back to the point. I have always had what are called 'bedroom eyes', especially when I've had a few. I remember the first time I got drunk with a past boyfriend years ago and he was distressed by the fact that I was 'staring at everyone at the bar seductively'. Exasperated I explained "That's just how I look when I'm drunk!"

When I left 'the church' and my adolescent marriage, I had to reinvent the way I handled sex. I decided that I wouldn't be a "typical girl", that I would be the one in control, I would be the one who didn't call. I had close friendships with guys and they treated me in many ways like one of them. It wasn't strange for me to be a 'wing man', or to be the only girl in a group of guys, privy to their (sexist and often degrading) comments about the women around them. One time out at the bar a friend asked me to distract his date so he could go hit on some other girls. At the time I felt like I was part of a special club, and when a friend would say "you're such a cool chick. I wish my girlfriend was more like you." I was proud.

This role I played, this person I had become, was not healthy, was not happy. There were a lot of moments where I felt out of control, felt empty and sad, felt desperate to connect but too afraid to be vulnerable because I knew what guys were really like. I sabotaged relationships, I justified my behavior, I hardened my heart. Over top of it all I threw a sparkly, seductive smile so no one would be suspicious.

I can't say for sure when things started to change. When I started to realized that I was harming people, and it wasn't fun any more...that maybe it had never been fun at all. There were a few tough lessons I had to learn and a few realizations that really slapped me in the face. I still appreciate the friendships I have with men, but they have taken on a different form. I am not trying to bash men either, I know that us so-called ladies can be just as shady. I can tell that I am more guarded around my male friends now, however, and I am more protective of my fellow women.

Over the years I've begun to realize that my sexuality is something that should be sacred to me. My attitude has shifted and I now think that my bedroom eyes are much more appealing when they are shown infrequently, as the flash of an ankle or wrist from a geisha was once one of the most tantalizing views a man could hope for. Some people may not understand this. I barely understand it myself. I feel in some ways that I am becoming someone I don't entirely know, someone I have trouble explaining. But when a friend asked me a few days ago if I think of myself as a whole person, I could honestly answer her that yes, I do.

I don't feel like I'm being untrue to myself by not flaunting my sexuality. I have actually started to feel very uncomfortable if I go out for a night on the town all dressed up, looking slightly scandalous. I don't need the attention of half the men in a room to feel desired, and in fact I don't want it. I am learning to embrace myself as a woman, with all the soft, sensual secrets and pleasures I possess. And when I find a man worthy of sharing these moments and mysteries with, it will be a very special and a very personal thing.

I am not ashamed of sex, and I am not ashamed of who I am. I think that many people today would be much happier if they were honest with themselves about how they feel toward sex and stopped using it as a weapon or some kind of points system or as an emotional crutch. There are many ways to experience pleasure in this body, and I encourage you to be confident in yourself to find ways that work for you (whatever way that may be). I can say that I for one, am very happy in what I am discovering!